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Self Esteem
- 1. Self - Esteem“Self-esteem is more than merely recognizing one’s positive qualities. It is an attitude of acceptance and non-judgement towards self and others.” - Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning
- 2. What is Self-Esteem?As a group at your table or in pairs define self-esteem.What is it?What increases self-esteem?What decreases self-esteem?
- 3. Defining Self-EsteemNathaniel Branden, PhD, The Six Pillars of Self-EsteemSelf-esteem is: the ability or willingness to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness.confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think.confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change. the belief that success, achievement, fulfillment—happiness—are right and natural for us. grounded in reality and built over time
- 4. What Self-Esteem is NOTSelf-esteem is not the euphoria that may be temporarily induced by a drug, a compliment, love affair, or happy event. It is not an illusion or hallucination. If it is not grounded in reality, if it is not built over time through experience and careful thought, it is not self-esteem.
- 6. ReflectionOn a piece of paper, reflect on your visualization:Why do you want self-esteem?What will strong self-esteem give you?What will you be able to do?How grounded in reality is your vision?
- 7. MisconceptionsSelf-esteem does not come from others, peers or outside ourselvesAlcohol and drugs to not increase self-esteem“Self-esteem is best nurtured by selfless (!) service to the community.”“Stop struggling to achieve self-esteem. Turn your problems over to God. Realize that you are a child of God—and that is all you need to have self-esteem.” the measure of our personal worth is our external achievementsInflated egotism, delusions and unrealistic perceptions are not self-esteem.
- 9. Self-esteemThe belief that success, achievement, fulfillment—happiness—are right and natural for us. Related to “Unconditional High Regard” of ourselves and others.
- 10. Self-acceptanceThe knowledge that no one is perfect and the acceptance of ourselves with our strengths and weaknesses. AND—our MISTAKES!Self-forgiveness plays a role in this
- 11. Self-confidenceThe belief and knowledge that we can learn or complete a task. Our willingness and ability to risk and try new thingsBuilt overtime through a history of success and on going learning.
- 12. Self-respectSelf-respect – the relationship between our actions, values, and actual behaviour.Built from our integrity.
- 13. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem six practices essential for the nurturing and sustaining of healthy self-esteem: the practice of living consciously, the practice of living of self-acceptance,the practice of living of self-responsibility, the practice of living of self-assertiveness, the practice of living of purposefulness, and the practice of integrity.
- 14. Living Consciouslyrespect for facts; being present to what we are doing while are doing it; seeking and being eagerly open to any information, knowledge, or feedback that bears on our interests, values, goals, and projects; seeking to understand not only the world external to self but also our inner world, so that we do not out of self-blindness.
- 15. Self-Acceptancethe willingness to own, experience, and take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions, without evasion, denial, or disowning—and also without self-repudiation;giving oneself permission to think one’s thoughts, experience one’s emotions, and look at one’s actions without necessarily liking, endorsing, or condoning them; the virtue of realism applied to the self.
- 16. Self-Responsibilityrealizing that we are the author of our choices and actions; that each one us is responsible for life and well-being and for the attainment of our goals; that if we need the cooperation of other people to achieve our goals, we must offer values in exchange;and that question is not “Who’s to blame?” but always “What needs to be done?” (“What do I need to do?”)
- 17. Self-Assertivenessbeing authentic in our dealings with others;treating our values and persons with decent respect in social contexts; refusing to fake the reality of who we are or what we esteem in order to avoid disapproval;the willingness to stand up for ourselves and our ideas in appropriate ways in appropriate contexts.
- 18. Living Purposefullyidentifying our short-term and long-term goals or purposes and the actions needed to attain them (formulating an action-plan); organizing behavior in the service of those goals; monitoring action to be sure we stay on track; and paying attention to outcome so as to recognize if and when we need to go back to the drawing-board.
- 19. Personal Integrityour behaviour and actions are reflections of our values and beliefs—we live what we believe; telling the truth, honoring our commitments, exemplifying in action the values we profess to admire.
- 20. Increasing Self-EsteemDifferent for everyone—observe yourself!re-writing outdated core beliefsgiving our best to a taskfacing a difficult truth with couragetaking responsibility for our actionsspeaking up when we know that that is what the situation warrants, refuse to betray our convictions,persevere even when persevering is not easy
- 21. What Lowers Self-esteemNegative core beliefsShame over past actionsLiving opposite to our valuesStaying silent or participating in something we know is wrong
- 22. Core BeliefsMessages we received from authority figures when we were young (teachers, parents, religious leaders, friends, siblings, bosses, other adults).Statements: I AM_________________
- 23. Finding Core BeliefsStart with the statement, “I am...”Write out as many beliefs about yourself as you can (positive and negative)Be honest about what you believe deep down about yourself(feel free to write in your first language)
- 24. Re-Writing Core BeliefsWhere did this message come from? Was it something you were told or developed from experience?Look at your life and skills today? Is that belief still true for you today as an adult?Which statements can you say are false right away? Re-write them in a statement that correctly describes your skills.How are you going to grow to be this corrected statement?
- 25. The Really Tough Core BeliefsWhat would it take to change this belief?How could you prove to yourself it is not true?What can you do to increase your self-respect and acceptance?
- 26. Mistakes and ShameMost of us have made mistakes and done things we are ashamed of.When we continue to hold onto our mistakes and shame and punish ourselves, it lowers ours self-esteem.
- 27. ExerciseFold a piece of paper in half, long ways.On the left, make a list of the mistakes or actions you are ashamed of that are currently lowering your self-esteem.(feel free to write in your first language).
- 28. Steps Towards Healing Self-EsteemReview the 6 Pillars—how well are you living them? Which one is your weakest?What action can you commit to for 32 days that would improve this pillar?At the end of 32 days, pick another pillar and work on that one.
- 29. Make AmendsWhat mistakes or actions have you done that you are not proud of?How could you correct this mistake or make amends?How can you find peace with this past action?What will you commit to doing differently?
- 30. Get the LessonWhat did you learn from your mistake or action?What did it teach you about your values?What “gifts” have come from this mistake?How has it shaped who you are?What do you do differently now?
- 31. Exercise Part 2On the right side of your page, write the lessons or gifts you gained from your experiences.
- 32. Self-ForgivenessLook at your list of mistakesIf your best friend, child, spouse or someone you loved made this mistake under the same circumstances, do you feel she or he should be punished for ever?Have you paid for your mistake long enough?Have you changed or do you still do this action?Would you forgive your friend?If yes, then it is time to forgive yourself.If no, what would it take to be able to forgive yourself? Commit to that action.
- 33. What are YOU Keeping?Tear your sheet in half so the mistakes and the lessons are on separate sheetsYou have a choice: 1. Keep the mistakes/shame and throw away the lesson 2. Keep the lesson and let go of the mistake