I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner" because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I’m very much into voyeurism and exhibitionism. The idea of watching/being watched spontaneously and organically is so hot to me, and the idea of public play turns me on so much. But consent is also very important to me, and I would never want to cross any boundaries or make someone feel uncomfortable in a situation they never consented to. I don’t know if I could ever do public play because I don’t want a third party to accidentally see something they don’t want to. So, what advice do you have for someone who wants to explore these fantasies with safety, care, and respect in mind?
— Attention Whore
Dear Attention Whore,
I applaud your desire to engage in public sex in a way that’s ethical (and legal!!). You don’t want to be doing it in the park in the middle of the day, where an innocent passerby can accidentally stumble upon your sexual shenanigans, and you definitely don’t want to get caught by the police. The laws vary by state, but if caught, you might be charged with public indecency and/or lewdness, and the possible penalties include a fine, community service, jail time, and having to register as a sex offender.
I’m very well aware that the potential to get seen or caught is what makes public sex arousing to many. But it’s like, I’m sorry, dude, store that under sexual fantasies that have to remain a fantasy.
That said, you’re not alone in your fantasies. Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, interviewed 4,175 Americans about their sexual fantasies for his book Tell Me What You Want: 84% of the people surveyed said they had fantasized about sex in public at least once before, with 29% saying this was something they fantasized about often. Previously speaking to Men’s Health, Lehmiller noted that sex in public “appears to be a pretty pervasive fantasy across demographics,” meaning the fantasy is popular among people of all genders and sexual orientations.
“People are turned on by the idea of doing new and different things sexually, which is why fantasies about having sex in different settings are quite common,” he said. “People also tend to think of sex as something that people only do in private, so taking it public is transgressive.”
So, what’s one of the best ways to ethically (and legally) engage in exhibitionism and voyeurism? Sex clubs, parties, and resorts! Everyone who attends a sex club/party/resort has consented to being watched and watching others during sex.
It can be a little challenging to get into the sex club scene, as many require a referral from someone who’s already a member—essentially, someone vouching for you not being a creep. (This is more true for mixed-gender sex parties—i.e., parties where both men and women will attend. This is less true for gay male sex parties/clubs, which are much more open to newcomers.)
So, if you need a referral, you need to meet people in the sex party scene. One of the best ways to do this is to join FetLife, which is essentially Facebook for kinksters. They throw “munches"—platonic get-togethers—often at a bar or coffee shop. Munches happen all over the world, presenting the opportunity to meet and befriend others in the sex scene, and find out where the local sex parties/clubs are. After meeting in this non-sexual context, they will often invite you along or at least feel comfortable enough to refer you.
If a sex party isn’t “enough” to satiate your desires, then you should check out this article I wrote on the different ways to simulate having sex in public without actually having sex in public. Because what you’re really looking for is that rush, right? And there are ways to achieve that thrill and adrenaline surge without actually doing it in public.
