Jon

@ArfMeasures

I'm only on season 3 of the news. No spoilers please.

Somewhere
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Joined February 2015
Born October 31
324 Photos and videos Photos and videos

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  1. Pinned Tweet
    Oct 31

    ⚡️ The Better Ones

    2 replies 10 retweets 45 likes
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  2. 2 hours ago

    Doctor: The problem here is heavy drug use Me: Should I come back when you're less high? Doctor: Bring snacks

    20 retweets 128 likes
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  3. Retweeted
    Nov 27

    Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards? Librarian: stop talking

    93 replies 7,440 retweets 49,297 likes
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  4. Retweeted
    19 Jan 2018

    [an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop] Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

    66 replies 6,236 retweets 24,305 likes
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  5. Retweeted
    Nov 28

    Her: Shall we watch a movie? Me: Nah Her: Shall we put a movie on, stare at our phones, look up occasionally and pretend we enjoyed it? Me: ooh

    6 replies 157 retweets 2,354 likes
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  6. Retweeted
    20 Nov 2018

    [Thanksgiving dinner] Wife: You're always on your phone and never talk to me! Me: Oh Wife: ok so what's everyone else thankful for?

    4 replies 198 retweets 1,598 likes
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  7. Nov 28

    1 reply 16 likes
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  8. Retweeted
    Nov 5

    me: ok let’s go around the table and say what we’re thankful for hydrogen: I’m first

    13 replies 146 retweets 817 likes
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  9. Nov 28

    Her: Shall we watch a movie? Me: Nah Her: Shall we put a movie on, stare at our phones, look up occasionally and pretend we enjoyed it? Me: ooh

    6 replies 157 retweets 2,354 likes
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  10. Retweeted
    May 11

    remember the 90s when everybody only hurt sometimes

    35 replies 739 retweets 2,917 likes
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  11. Retweeted
    27 Aug 2017

    HER: Does your dog do any tricks? ME: I taught him to lie on the bed H: That's not impressive lol DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

    22 replies 2,233 retweets 7,813 likes
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  12. Retweeted
    Sep 4

    Me: Oh God help I've been stabbed in the tummy 911: how old are you? Me: 38 911: omg Me: what 911: 38 Me: what 911: tummy Me: just send help 911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

    22 replies 1,096 retweets 9,805 likes
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  13. Retweeted
    Nov 27

    TYLER: the first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club ME: yeah obviously haha [gets out phone]

    5 replies 50 retweets 319 likes
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  14. Retweeted
    Nov 27

    Doc: I have bad news about your test results Me: oh man did I fail Doc: not that kind of test Me: so I passed? Doc: no but you will in a week

    21 replies 651 retweets 5,208 likes
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  15. Retweeted
    Nov 26

    *after a man passes out* Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?! Dad: *nudging me* that could've been you Me: I didnt want to be a flight attendant

    6 replies 172 retweets 1,425 likes
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  16. Retweeted
    Nov 26

    [Our baby starts crying in the night] Wife: Can you deal with it? Me *packing my bags* I cannot

    5 replies 136 retweets 1,102 likes
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  17. Retweeted
    Nov 26

    My Subconscious: get ready for a steamy sex dream tonight :) Me: can it be about someone hot this time? Subconscious: I thought about it, but I decided to go with that really weird guy you work with on a daily basis Me: NO not Dandruff Dan Subconscious: Dandruff :) Dan :)

    43 replies 177 retweets 2,518 likes
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  18. Retweeted
    Nov 26

    her: grow up benjamin button: wow

    2 replies 136 retweets 787 likes
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  19. Nov 26

    [Our baby starts crying in the night] Wife: Can you deal with it? Me *packing my bags* I cannot

    5 replies 136 retweets 1,102 likes
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  20. Retweeted
    28 Nov 2014

    Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?

    111 replies 7,009 retweets 10,881 likes
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  21. Retweeted
    27 Feb 2018

    INTERVIEWER: Do you use Microsoft Office? ME: I "excel" at it INTERVIEWER: haha ok ME: You have my Word INTERVIEWER: ok I get what yo- ME: Access INTERVIEWER: You're just saying words now ME: Powerpoint

    56 replies 6,838 retweets 20,762 likes
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