Jon

in my experience k-i-s-s-i-n-g rarely takes place in a tree

[1st date] Girl: I'm having a really great time Other Girl: Me too. It's nice to break down the inherent gender constructs in format jokes

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids? ME: that’s literally all I drink

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

[restaurant] RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you? RACCOON: t-two eggs? WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs! WAITER: *eyes narrow*

the average person swallows 6 to 8 tooth fairies over the course of their childhood

[you breaking up w/ me over the phone] [long silence] *sound of my pop tarts popping out of the toaster* ME: ...well i should probably go

Crocodile Dundee: That’s not a knife... THIS is a knife Alligator Dundee: What about this? *pulls out a knife that is almost identical and only nerds can tell the difference*

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

her: [during sex] spank me me: [nervous but i go for it] her: did you just say good game

stranger: can I borrow your phone to make a quick call? me: *swallows it* my what

Wife: *looking at photos of our kids* they're so perfect! Me: They really are! Wife: Shall we wake them? Me: Oh God no

Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches Wife: ok just throw them out [Later] Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day* Priest: Me: Priest: Look she might come back

[I dont get invited to a party] me: shit [I get invited to a party] me: Shit.

HER: Does your dog do any tricks? ME: I taught him to lie on the bed H: That's not impressive lol DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

If you get robot arms don't get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100 ME: 100..99..98 ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what? ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Worst vampire ever. Took him 11 years to turn into a bathttps://twitter.com/Variety/status/1134511016824496128 …

**Pixar Film Themes Guide** Toy Story: Jealousy WALL-E: Environmentalism Up: Bereavement Cars: Cars