MY FAVOURITE MARTIN
"Prepared". That is Aston Villa's simple motto. But you don't have to wear a woggle and neckerchief while tying 76 types of knots and helping old ladies across camp fires, or something, to know that that doesn't apply when the team's manager strops off into the sunset just five days before the start of the new season, leaving the club's plans in a bigger mess than the Gulf of Mexico.
The decision of Martin O'Neill to withdraw his jumping-up-and-down-like-an-angry-Tigger routine from Villa Park appears to have been in protest at owner Randy Lerner's entirely reasonable refusal to entrust him with more transfer funds nor to veto the sale of James Milner unless the manager could get rid of the likes of Luke Young, Habib Beye, Curtis Davies, Steve Sidwell and Nigel Reo-Coker, players who rarely play but assiduously collect their pay packets, helping push Villa's wage bill above that of higher-achieving clubs such as Spurs and Everton. His departure deprives Villa of a manager who did a decent job but leaves them with the possibility of finding some who'll perform even better.
Say, who's that knock-knock-knockin' on Lerner's door? Why, it's life-long Villa fan Sven-Goran Eriksson! "Of course Sven would be interested in this job," cooed sources close to the smooth Swede, who four years ago revealed his fondness for the club in a conversation with an unscrupulous man in a tea-towel. "He has always said that he would like to go back into the Premier League, it is a big target for him," continued the source.
Unfortunately for Sven, he's not the only one with such an aim, and some bookies claim that Lerner's sights are set primarily on USA! USA!! USA!!! coach Bob Bradley, though the suspicion must exist that that link is being made solely because both men are American – especially as other contenders allegedly include Bruce Arena, Alexi Lalas, William Shatner* and Dita von Teese. But don't fret, sticklers for tradition concerning Premier League vacancies, Gareth Southgate, Martin Jol and Terry Venables have all been linked with it too. As has Alan Curbishley, obviously.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"My third match in England was against Newcastle and Joey Barton tried to intimidate me. I used not to really like the physical stuff, I was above all a technical player. But this is a league that demands enormous efforts and where the intensity is such that you can't cheat. So I've had to master all aspects of the game and I've progressed on the physical side. Thank you, Mr Barton!" - Samir Nasri explains why Joey Barton is a good influence on the youth of today.
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FIVER LETTERS
"Why the hell shouldn't Randy Lerner have reined in Martin O'Neill's spending? £170m+ is a ludicrous amount of cash to have pumped out for what have been three above average, yet ultimately flimsy sides. Birmingham City (with whom I have no affiliation) did almost as well as the Villa last year on a fraction of that outlay" - Dave Powell.
"What a gift for a daily tea-time football email that has spent the last month trying to fill its word count with transfer tedium – Martin O'Neill resigns and the news breaks just after 4pm, giving said email the necessary ammunition to break the boredom cycle and still get out in time for its self-imposed Fiver O'Clock deadline. In fact, you couldn't have had a better-timed story if you'd written to Father Christmas asking for it and had it delivered on a silver platter by a gang of happy elves. But what's this? The Fiver arrived at 3.45pm on the day in question and the boredom continued unabated. Dash it and darn it. It's like the tea-time football email equivalent of missing open goals while sat on the line" - Daniel Kennedy.
"I want to point out that that video involving Fabio Capello's poor attempt at getting Michael Carrick's number (yesterday's Fiver) saw him ignore one Michael Owen, who had this kind of 'Oi Caps, what about me?' look on his face. Pretty stuff indeed" - Darshan Joshi.
"Re: Darren Collins's balding c0ckney friend, Ian King (yesterday's Fiver letters). Being robbed is one thing, being robbed by a cashpoint is quite another. Usually you take money from a cashpoint, not the other way around" - Scott Brown (and 1,056 others).
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver now.
BITS AND BOBS
$tevie MbE says he would boo England at Wembley tomorrow if he was a fan. "We deserve it. We let the fans down in the summer," he jeered before making a crude gesture at himself and suggesting his wife is rather open-minded in the bedroom.
Darren Bent has not followed Wes Brown and Paul Robinson into international retirement, but the bad news is he can't play against Hungary anyway due to back-knack.
Giovanni O'Trapattoni could miss the Republic O'Ireland's friendly against Argentina tomorrow after being hospitalised with food poisoning, caused by some dodgy shellfish he ate before leaving Italy.
Chelsea forward Didier Drogba has finally come up with an excuse for all his falling over during games. "For the last six years, I have been struggling with [hernia-ouch]," he tootled. "Now I am really happy because it has gone and I feel more free."
And Werder Bremen's director of sport Klaus Allofs says he is yet to receive a formal offer for Mesut Ozil. "I am not running backwards and forwards to the fax machine or getting sweaty palms when I check my emails," he parped in an announcement that bothered the Fiver on a number of levels.
WIN! WIN! WIN!
We've got a copy of Daniel Harris's rather good new book, On The Road, a journey through a season of Man Utd's away games (don't worry non-United fans, you'll still enjoy it too), which is available in all top bookshops and plenty of less-decent ones too, to give away every day this week. All you've got to do is email the.boss@guardian.co.uk under the subject-header 'My Football Away Trip To Remember' and tell us your favourite tales. We'll print the best each day and send the winner a copy.
Yesterday's winner:
"1991-92 season, end of January, been backpacking round the world and missing Southend games. Had ended up in Delhi and had to decide if I should come home or head down to Goa or Nepal. Noticed we were playing at Grimsby on a Tuesday, arranged for a friend to pick me up at Heathrow, so we could drive straight up to the game. Further north we got, foggier it got. Arrived at the ground as ref was calling the game off due to fog. I said 'I've flown all the way back from Delhi for this'; he looked at me like I was some kind of idiot (on reflection I was). Game called off, ended up having a curry along Cleethorpes seafront and had to find a B&B, not difficult in January as too foggy to drive home" - Mark Pearson.
STILL WANT MORE?
Paul Hayward reflects on the depature of Martin O'Neill, the charming dictator who finally ran out of patience.
Our Premier League previews reach No13: Manchester United and, surprisingly, No14: Stoke City.
Would you want Marlon King playing for your team, asks John Ashdown. Well, would you?
Bavaria Beer girls marketing Blackpool pies and Fergie in the Hood all star in this week's Gallery: Premier League predictions.
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