THE FOLLOWING STORY CONTAINS NO JOKES ABOUT THE NAME 'YOUNG BOYS'. OR ANY JOKES AT ALL, FOR THAT MATTER
In life, it's important to learn from your mistakes. If you manage to get through one episode of The Wire without working your eyeballs out with a blunt pencil due to sheer boredom, don't bleedin' watch another. If you mispronounce 'prophylactic' and tell that special lady you're much more comfortable using a pterodactyl in the bedroom as you lead her up the stairs, settle for using the word 'protection' next time. (There won't be a next time, and the injunction will be in the post soon, but that's not the point.) And if you grossly underestimate a team from Switzerland once and nearly get your derriere spanked real good, don't do it again.
Yet that's exactly that most football fans in England have done, smugly assuming that Spurs will wipe the floor with Young Boys in the second leg of their play-off for a place in Big Cup, Uefa's elephantine travesty. Spurs trail 3-2 from the first leg and, while they could and should go through, Young Boys' considerable aptitude on the counter-attack surely makes them worthy of smaller odds than the 16-1 you can get on them winning tonight's match outright. It probably would, if anyoHAHAHAHAne in England could get beyPASSTHECORSETond the fact that they are caITHINKI'VEJUSTDONEAWHOOPSIEINMAGRUNDIESled Young Boys.
The Spurs squad will include Jermain Defoe, whose operation for groin-knack has been put back to next week. "There has been a bit of banter about watching EastEnders among the lads, but when you are at home on a Tuesday or Wednesday night, you think you should be playing on the [Big Cup] stage," added Defoe, inexplicably failing to mention the must-watch phenomenon that is Portland Babies on the Discovery Channel at 7.30pm. Tonight: a woman gives birth for the fourth time and finds that it does not necessarily get easier with practice. If, after their three goals in the first leg, Young Boys squeeze a fourth one out tonight, Spurs might be waiting a long time for any further practice in Big Cup.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"The cartilage of the ankle and the knee is perfect and he has also recovered from a muscle tear to the thigh" - a Juventus backroom source reveals the good news after knack-prone loan signing Alberto Aquilani was forced to go undergo a six-hour medical before being passed fit by the Old Lady of Turin's medical team.
ANYBODY SEEN FERG'S BEBE?
If there's one thing worse than being told you're not good enough, it's being patronised. Actually, that's not true. The Fiver knows there are lots of things worse than being told you're not good enough – not least being made to watch 24-hour rolling news coverage of a lady putting a cat in a bin. Nevertheless the Fiver is confident Manchester City's reserve team were about as delighted at being rebranded the "Elite Squad" as the pimpled teenager is to receive a consolatory Valentine's Day card from their mother. The Elite Squad? Seriously?
But rebranding was only the start of the humiliation. "City's [You're All Winners To Us XI] gave a battling performance against a Manchester United side packed with ... almost £50m worth of talent," tootles the club's website this afternoon following last night's 3-1 defeat to Manchester United's Reserve Militia, yet a cursory look down the team-sheets showed the visitors hadn't even bothered to field their most talked-about summer signing. Bebé set United back £7.4m over the summer and had been expected to get his first run out in front of Lord Ferg before the manager had a late change of heart.
Scurrilous rumours today suggest Bebé had simply not been playing well enough in training, but surely the truth is that Ferg was simply employing his infamous mind games, implying the Special In Their Own Way Selection put out by City were so poor that the midfielder was not even required. Or could it be that the one thing worse than telling someone they're not good enough, is admitting that you were wrong to tell everyone that they were good in the first place?
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FIVER LETTERS
"Recent letters reminding us of the life and times of football's least favourite son, Tim Lovejoy, might be behind the surge in popularity of an online review of his book from When Saturday Comes, which, along with the comments underneath, act as an excellent starting point for anyone who is not familiar with Lovejoy or his crimes" - Dan Ashley.
"You can't fault Roberto Mancini for turning down a back rub from an exact robot replica of Fiona Bruce (yesterday's Fiver), as the flick of a switch on Sheikh Mansour's throne turns her into an exact robot replica of that woman in Coventry who likes cats so much" - Andrew Geddes.
"I just saw the very large (heavy lift?) helicopter carrying the Fifa delegation coming in to land in Newcastle. I hope they enjoy the visit but fingers crossed Mike Ashley doesn't ruin the whole bid by hogging the buffet" - Duncan James.
"May I be the first of 1,057 pedants to point out that although the bald Phil Collins dominates Easy Lover (Andrew Carter, yesterday's Fiver Letters), having sung on, played the drums and produced the number, it is technically a Philip Bailey song, from his album Chinese Wall" - Phil Taylor (and no other pedants).
"Against Manchester City, Liverpool had an English manager, played 4-4-2 and man-marked at corners. Can any pundit please tell me how they managed to lose? Surely that's the talkSPORT holy trinity. I'm confused" - Iain Christie.
"I am currently working in a country that has recently decided to install an interesting morality code to internet browsing. Whilst trying to access pictures of Stephen Ireland's bling from Monday's Fiver, I got the frankly spot on message: 'Access to this site is blocked. This Websense category is filtered: Tasteless'" - DTK Molise, Kabul.
"Substitute 'Mascherano' for 'Hodgson' and 'Liverpool' for 'Fulham' in your heart-rending story of Uncle Roy's woes (yesterday's Fiver) and you'll understand why I find his situation most satisfying and amusing. What goes around comes around, I'm just glad it happened so quickly" - Hugh Fordham.
"Re: Jermain Defoe not wanting to watch EastEnders on Tuesdays and Wednesdays (yesterday's Quote of the Day). It would surely be helpful before Big Cup ties, if only to see people who're worse actors than Sergio Busquets" - Phil Titley.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver now.
BITS AND BOBS
$tevie Mbe and Fernando Torres have been ruled out of Liverpool's Big Vase play-off qualifier second-leg defeat against Trabzonspor with back-knack and need-him-half-fit-for-West Brom-on-Sunday-knack respectively.
In a turn of events that signposts exactly how far Liverpool have fallen, the club is on the verge of signing Fulham full-back Paul Konchesky.
In a turn of events that signposts exactly how far Mauro Camoranesi has fallen, the Italian midfielder is rumoured to be the subject of bids from Everton and the Pope's O'Rangers.
Newcastle have rewarded Andy Carroll for his hat-trick against Aston Villa by placing his old mucker Steven Taylor on the transfer list.
Police in Brazil are searching for a referee who fled the scene after a player was stabbed to death during an altercation that broke out in an amateur soccer match in Barreira in Ceara state after he'd whistled for a foul.
And Fifa has dismissed allegations that North Korea's coach and players were punished and publicly humiliated for losing all three of their games at this year's World Cup, enabling the North Korean FA to swerve sanctions that could have included a fine as high as £45.
WIN FUNNY BOOK ABOUT UNTALENTED MAN
"Everything was going well and according to plan, until I five-putted from eight feet at the second." This is how infamous renegade golfer Maurice Flitcroft explained a score of 63 over nine holes at the 1983 Open.
The most useless British sportsman ever? Possibly. But to be fair, he had little chance to hone his skills: unable to meet the cost of golf club membership, he practised on the local school fields, where he spent most of his time being chased by gangs of feral schoolchildren, the janitor, and the police, occasionally being forced to cower under cover of woodland like a wretched animal.
His struggle is brought to life in the amazing but true Phantom of the Open by Scott Murray and Simon Farnaby – and you can win a priceless copy (in the sense that it'll be worth nothing, having been signed by the authors) here.
STILL WANT MORE?
Slouching with his hands in his pockets like some kind of crack-peddling hopper on a Baltimore street corner, our Italian expert Paolo Bandini delivers his annual Serie A preview.
Port Vale boss Micky Adams has no hard feelings on his homecoming to Fulham, writes Dominic Fifield. But then, when you've managed as many clubs as Micky, there's every chance he doesn't even remember working there.
Can footballers really hang in the air, play while drunk as owls or possibly do both at the same time? The Knowledge has the answers. Well, some answers.
Sparking synapses and a loud, urgent simmering noises from that giant tank in the corner can mean only one thing: giant football brain Jonathan Wilson has something it needs to get off its frontal lobe.
And proper journalist David Conn spent an afternoon sifting around the bins outside Leicester City's Walkers Stadium and these are the conclusions about transparency in football at which he arrived.
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