Sep 19 2008 Pamela Anderson, we get it: You have giant breasts
Pamela Anderson attended the Vivienne Westwood Red Label event in London last night with some dude in a weird mask. I have no clue. Anyway, apparently wanting to smother the crowd in an avalanche of breast, Pam decided to wear a push-up bra which brings me to my final question for the weekend: Is there such a thing as too much cleavage? My penis tells me "No" while my need for oxygen tells me "Huh? I wasn't paying attention." Discuss.
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Sep 19 2008 Kim Kardashian cares about Kim Kardashian
Who's ready for a story about how big of a bitch Kim Kardashian is? I know I am. I don't know about you, but I love a good "Kim is a selfish behemoth" tale because they're always so full of hope and promise and love for one's fellow man. So, without further ado, here's an eyewitness account from a Defamer Australia reader who got stuck in a traffic jam only to watch Kim Kardashian impede the progress of rescue workers because she was on the phone. Inspiring!:
After 5-10 minutes, I see a tow truck and a fire truck coming our way from around Fairfax, but traffic is now pretty jacked so it's slow. The tow truck is all set to come down the emergency lane when this giant black tinted Escalade looking thing cuts in front of it to pass the stalled traffic. Keep in mind the tow truck has flashers on. As the Escalade gets closer, I'm waving my hands to tell it to get over, but it won't. Then I notice the chick driving is on her cell, holding it up to her ear. I walk up to her car now, hit the passenger side door and say "get over - there's a tow truck and a fire truck behind you - there's been a bad accident."
At this point, she rolls down the window to reveal her KIM KARDASHIAN self [...] who tells me "Don't you touch my car." I thought, "Are you fucking kidding me?! there's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding." I then screamed at her "Are you fucking kidding me?! There's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding!!" to which she responds "I know, but don't touch my car." She finally merges into the other lane and jams it through the yellow light to make the intersection.
She said "I know?" I KNOW that I'm holding up rescue in my tinted-arse Escalade looking thing and on my cell, but the only thing I care about is not to hit my car.
Okay, all joking aside, we shouldn't jump to conclusions. Kim could've been in the middle of a very important phone call. For all we know, the price of mustache wax just shot up. Or buttpads now require a permit. Let us not be so quick to judg - wait, I got it, O.J. wants his money back. That explains it....
Thanks to Susan who always figured Kim Kardashian, of all people, would have more respect for the Jaws of Life.
NOTE: And, get the fuck out, reader Brandon just alerted me that Kim Kardashian is claiming to be 120 lbs. on her blog. Per cheek, maybe.
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Sep 19 2008 Spencer Pratt gets a manicure
It's official: Spencer Pratt has no shame. I can't say it enough, whenever I look these two assclowns posing like they just won the Special Olympics, I say a little prayer that Heidi Montag is still a virgin. C'mon, what could be a bigger kick in the balls than being photographed getting a manicure then going home to jerk off in a sock while your girlfriend parades around the house in an "I <3 Jesus" bikini? If this is intelligent design, I'm warming up to it.
Sep 19 2008 Britney Spears has the capacity for cleavageness
I'm actually surprised to be writing this post because, for a while there, Britney Spears was on a one-woman crusade against undergarments and physical fitness. But it's amazing what simply wearing a bra can do. In fact, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I love Britney Spears' breasts. Ha ha! Wow, that's exhilarating. It's sort of like jumping out of a plane. I love Britney Spears' breasts, everybody! WOO-HOO!
But, in all seriousness, I hope Britney Spears appreciates my enthusiasm. There's no greater compliment you can give a woman than "Hey, nice rack." Chivalry: it's what's for dinner.
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Sep 19 2008 Anne Hathaway didn't rat out Raffaello Follieri
Anne Hathaway was believed to be an informant for the Feds which led to the arrest of her con man ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri. But TMZ reports it was actually Raffaello's assistant who sang like a canary:
As a federal affidavit demonstrated, a Follieri assistant told investigators about a safe where Raffa kept documents. The feds then seized the safe in his $37,000-per-month apartment.
I dunno what this says about Anne Hathway's character, but at least we know she'd make an awesome Mafia girlfriend. On top of that, she'll pay your rent and let you take pictures of her naked. So, on that note, Anne, I'm part Italian. Now, let's make-a the pizza pie-a with-a the spaghetti rent's due the first of the month. Also, have you seen my camera?
Sep 19 2008 A-Rod and wife settle divorce
Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez has reached a private divorce settlement with his wife Cynthia. Their marriage publicly fell apart when it was discovered that A-Rod loves banging strippers and the occasional mummy. Cynthia was looking for a huge chunk of change to maintain the "high standard of living" she's accustomed to, but unfortunately for her, she signed a prenup, according to NY Daily News:
"Cynthia and Alex Rodriguez have amicably resolved their dissolution of marriage proceedings," read a terse statement released by the superstar ball player's lawyer, Alan Kluger.
"They deliberately engaged in a private negotiation," Kluger said. "This was and remains a personal family matter for both of them. All of their decisions were based upon and guided by the best interests of their daughters."
I hope Madonna's happy. Actually, I know she's happy because, every time a couple gets a divorce, Madonna eats a baby. Where did I read that? Oh, right: THE BIBLE.
Sep 19 2008 Shauna Sand has to be doing this on purpose
Shauna Sand flashed her panties for the second time this week while getting out of her car at Katsuya. Someone needs to explain to Shauna this is only hot for celebrities who aren't on the cusp of menopause. So, unless she has a machine that can reverse the effects of time or turn me into Lorenzo Lamas, seriously, cut that shit out. In the meantime, I like how she's getting hit on by Marilyn Manson's kid brother "Howie."
SHAUNA: Go away.
HOWIE: My mom gave me twenty bucks.
SHAUNA: I immediately find you attractive.
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Sep 19 2008 Katie Holmes' Broadway opening picketed by protestors (Also, you can see her nipple)
The opening of Katie Holmes' Broadway show All My Sons was picketed last night by members of the Internet group Anonymous. Protestors wore Guy Fawkes mask ala V for Vendetta, according to Us Magazine:
The group was wearing masks and shouted, “We are not boycotting Katie, we are not boycotting the play, we are protesting Scientology. It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.”
A spokesperson for Anonymous spoke to Us recently about the planned action. “We are going to be there not only in protest of The Church of Scientology,” a member of the group told Us, “we would love to see Katie Holmes get away from this evil cult before it's to late.”
Some members held up signs that read "Free Katie." I hear Anonymous even attempted to kidnap Katie and take her to safety. But halfway to their destination they realized something was amiss when "Katie" kept laughing and telling her captors "You know what would cure me? Butt sex. Just sayin'." Five minutes later they pulled over and tossed Tom Cruise off a bridge who, sadly, landed on the back of a bee and flew to safety. True story.
EDIT: Reader Cuno is more alert than I am this morning. That is definitely Katie Holmes' nipple in the first two pics. I had to check twice because it's practically the size of a saucer. But, it's official: we have nip and I was, uh, testing you guys. Yeah...
Sep 19 2008 Will Ferrell answers fan questions
It's Friday, so for the hell of it, here's an amusing video of Will Ferrell answering questions his "fans" submitted on the Internet. This almost makes up for Semi-Pro which is the cinematic equivalent of giving yourself a colonic with a Dust Buster. Roger Ebert, I hope you're taking notes.
NOTE: Video is NSFW due to fellatio-oriented dialog.
Sep 18 2008 Mischa Barton gets drunk, slips a nip
Mischa Barton had a wardrobe malfunction last night after getting drunk at the Fashion for Relief show in London. Granted, it's only a partial nip, but I edited 12 photos of Justin Gaston in his underwear this morning, so this is practically like Christmas for me. Or at least that's what I'm telling people to explain why I'll be dressed like Santa Claus and drinking on a park bench later. (The beard makes me feel fancy.)
NOTE: Pic links to NSFW version depending on your employer's areola allowance.