An Idiot's List of 15 and A Half Reasons to Learn English

An Idiot's List
of 15 and A Half Reasons
to Learn English

Reason #1
reaching international audience
you will be able to write comments online in English
and express your views to a much broader audience
on a wide variety of issues that bother you.
These issues include but are not limited to
stupid government, inefficient transport system,
the weather, irresponsible dog owners,
spoilt kids in restaurants
and your in-laws.

Reason #2
improving career prospects
you will be able to rub your boss' nose
in a grammar mistake in his email in English
to the company’s foreign partners.
Make sure you demand promotion
on the grounds of
being bilingual and having
excellent attention to detail.

Reason #3
optimising travel expenses
you will be able to speak to waiters
when you are on holiday abroad.
If they don't reply in fluent English,
complain about the poor service and don't leave a tip.
Note: don't try it in Amsterdam,
as they all speak English there
and if you piss them off
they will run you over on a bike.

Reason #4
increasing e-commerce &
information sourcing opportunities
you will be able to enrich your online shopping experience
buying stuff you don't need from all over the world.
And then (ahead of all your friends who don't speak English)
master the newest system of getting rid of the stuff you don't need,
the system so new,
they haven't yet translated the book
sharing this wisdom
into your native language.

Reason #5
getting authentic movie experience
you will be able to enjoy movies starring
Arnold Schwarzenegger in the original
and secretly feel superior
because your English accent
is much better than his.

Reason #6
the queen of England
you will be able to write a letter
to the Queen of England
and ask her to adopt you
as one of her loyal dogs.
Don't forget to say ‘please’.

Reason #7
revamping self-expression
you will be able to fearlessly write graffiti
on walls in two languages
and once caught,
explain with dignity
that it’s language practice
not vandalism.

Reason #8
honing practical skills
you will be able to authentically shout ‘Taxi’
in New York
like they do in the movies.
Not that it will help you
get one at a busy hour.

Reason #9
fully appreciating pop culture
you will be able to understand
all those pop songs
in English,
cringe
and stop listening to this shite.

Reason #10
looking great & feeling smooth
you will be able to watch millions
of YouTube videos
teaching you
how to iron your shirts,
socks and undergarments
correctly.

Reason #11
updating parenting style
you will be able to do your kids’ homework
in English
and let the poor children
rest instead.
After all kids
should relax at home,
not do stupid homework.

Reason #12
boosting reciprocity
you will be able to tell
if someone calls you names in English
and reciprocate
quickly
and decisively.

Reason #13
enhancing holiday experience
you will be able to casually remark to the hospitality staff
at the hotel you are staying at,
that your negative review on Trip Advisor will be in English
for the whole world to know
that the croissants for breakfast were stale on 3 July
and the water in the outdoor pool
was uncomfortably cold for you
after sunbathing.

Reason #14
the British
If you focus on the British English,
you will inevitably adopt
some of the ladies & gentlemen
culture and...

will be able to offer your apologies on all sorts of
possible occasions:
if you burp, if someone else burps,
if you behaved like an idiot, if someone else
behaved like an idiot and you saw it,
if you pushed someone accidentally, if someone
pushed you accidentally
and also just in case so that people around don't
think you are being rude.

once addressed by complete strangers,
you will be able to elaborate
on weather predicaments of all sorts
for half an hour in a row.
And know a hundred and one expressions
to describe rain.

you will be able to stay calm
and carry on being polite
even if someone punches you
in your stiff
upper
lip.

If you think that these reasons are
not convincing enough,
you should learn English because...

Reason #15
improving marriage prospects
It is the language spoken by prince Harry.
A bachelor.
Yet.

And of course
Reason #15.5
because these slides are in English.
In case you didn't notice.
Happy learning!

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An Idiot's List of 15 and A Half Reasons to Learn English

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