Le dîner de cons (1998)
Thierry Lhermitte: Pierre Brochant
Photos
Quotes
-
François Pignon : [after hanging up the phone] It was your sister.
Pierre Brochant : I don't have a sister.
François Pignon : [appears confused] You don't? I said, "Who is this?". She said, "His sister".
Pierre Brochant : [incredously to himself] He called Marlène!
François Pignon : She's not your sister?
Pierre Brochant : Her name is Marlene Hissister!
François Pignon : How could I know? She said, "Marlene, his sister." It's confusing.
-
François Pignon : My wife left me.
Pierre Brochant : She did?
François Pignon : For a friend of mine.
Pierre Brochant : Those things happen.
François Pignon : A guy I knew at the Ministry. Not a bad guy. I invited him home. She fell for him. I don't know why, because he's no genius. You know how many matches in this one?
Pierre Brochant : What do you mean, no genius?
François Pignon : The guy she ran off with. What a dumbbell! Come on, say a number.
Pierre Brochant : Dumber than... I mean, you're pretty smart, so how would he rate against you?
François Pignon : Sorry to be so blunt, but he's quite the idiot!
Pierre Brochant : My God!
François Pignon : So?
Pierre Brochant : How could she run off with an idiot?
François Pignon : I agree. He only talks about windsurfing!
Pierre Brochant : Can I meet him?
François Pignon : You like windsurfing?
Pierre Brochant : I love it.
François Pignon : Then you'll love Benjamin! We call him Dumbo. He's in the phone book. Under Benjamin, not Dumbo.
-
[last lines]
François Pignon : [repeatedly] I'll call her back, everything will work out!
Pierre Brochant : You idiot! What an idiot!
-
François Pignon : You sleep with all your authors?
Pierre Brochant : None of your fucking business.
-
Pierre Brochant : So, how are you, Mr. Pignon?
François Pignon : Very well. Thanks.
Pierre Brochant : The message on your machine is so witty.
François Pignon : Really? I wanted it to be original.
Pierre Brochant : I'm still laughing.
François Pignon : Everybody comments on it. Friends ask me to record their messages.
Pierre Brochant : I can see why.
François Pignon : I could do yours...
François Pignon : No need.
François Pignon : It'd take a minute.
Pierre Brochant : No, it's fine as it is, even if it might be a little conservative for you.
-
Pierre Brochant : Good evening, Doctor.
Christine Brochant : Fix him. He has an important dinner tonight.
Pierre Brochant : Christine!
Christine Brochant : An idiot dinner. Each regular has to bring an idiot.
Pierre Brochant : Christine, please!
Christine Brochant : The idiots don't know why they've been picked. The fun is making them talk.
[sarcastic]
Christine Brochant : Hilarious! Not to me, so I'm leaving. Good night, Doctor.
Pierre Brochant : [as she leaves] Sorry. I called you to fix my back, not my marriage.
Sorbier : Can I wash my hands?
Pierre Brochant : First door on the left.
Sorbier : In college, we used to invite ugly girls. The ugliest one got a prize.
Pierre Brochant : Yes, we did that, too. But idiots are funnier.
Sorbier : But less definite.
Pierre Brochant : Some idiots are quite obvious. Mine's unmistakable.
-
Pierre Brochant : You're coming Wednesday?
Cordier : No, I'm busy. Are you going?
Pierre Brochant : Sure. I'm in a bind. I don't have an idiot. I've looked all over. Got one on hand?
Cordier : No, but I'll think about it. I'm late.
Pierre Brochant : [Cordier removes a metal ladle from his bag] What's that?
Cordier : Dad collects them. A beauty, huh? 18th century. He'll love it.
Pierre Brochant : Your dad collects ladles?
Cordier : He has over 300 of them. He's retired. Keeps him busy.
Pierre Brochant : Interesting. Could he discuss his passion in public, tell us the story of ladles?
Cordier : No, Pierre.
Pierre Brochant : Does he come to Paris?
Cordier : No, Pierre, not Dad.
Pierre Brochant : What? It's a very original hobby.
Cordier : You want him for your dinner?
Pierre Brochant : How can you say that? I'd take your dad to an idiot dinner?
Cordier : Yes.
Pierre Brochant : You think I'm a bastard, eh?
Cordier : Yes.
Pierre Brochant : I was just kidding. But I don't have an idiot yet. I'm panicked.
-
Pierre Brochant : I'm delighted to meet you.
François Pignon : Likewise, Mr. Brochant. Since you called me at the Ministry, I've been walking on air. I thought it was a joke. Did I sound dumb on the phone?
Pierre Brochant : Yes. I mean, no. You were perfect.
François Pignon : A big publisher wanting to do a book on my models, inviting me to dinner... you've changed my life, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : The book project isn't quite final yet.
François Pignon : I brought photos of my finest pieces.
[showing him]
François Pignon : The Eiffel Tower.
Pierre Brochant : Superb.
François Pignon : Took me eight months.
Pierre Brochant : It shows. You do them at night?
François Pignon : And on weekends. Whenever I have time.
-
Pierre Brochant : Good evening, Mr. Pignon! Come on in! I can't get up. I twisted my back. We'll have to put off our dinner.
François Pignon : I'm sorry for you. A sore back is no fun.
Pierre Brochant : It's silly. What are you doing next Wednesday?
François Pignon : [thinking] Next Wednesday... . nothing.
Pierre Brochant : My friend's having another dinner. You're invited.
François Pignon : How very nice.
Pierre Brochant : We missed you today. We won't miss you next week.
-
Pierre Brochant : My friend Jean Cordier gave me your number. You met him on the train.
François Pignon : Yes, of course.
Pierre Brochant : He said a lot about you. I want to meet you.
François Pignon : To meet me?
-
Sorbier : A friend of yours?
Pierre Brochant : No. My friends are not that dumb. We pick aces. This is big league.
Sorbier : Where do you find them?
Pierre Brochant : It's hard. A real manhunt. We have scouts who tip us off.
Sorbier : [Pierre reacts in pain] Fifth lumbar vertebra!
Pierre Brochant : Is it serious?
Sorbier : No, but call off your dinner.
Pierre Brochant : No!
Sorbier : Rest your back tonight. I'll stop by tomorrow.
Pierre Brochant : But, doctor... I have a prime idiot coming! Give me a shot! I don't care! Anything!
Sorbier : Ice bag and rest, or you'll be out for three weeks.
Pierre Brochant : I'm jinxed. My phone book, please. Thanks. The telephone. What's his name again? Francois Pignon.
Sorbier : What does he do?
Pierre Brochant : He's a tax man.
Sorbier : Isn't that dangerous? What if he finds out?
Pierre Brochant : He won't. We're careful. No idiot ever found out.
-
François Pignon : [after Pierre's wife leaves a phone message announcing she's leaving him] I really know what you're going through.
Pierre Brochant : I'd like to be left alone!
François Pignon : I said that when she left me, and I nearly died of grief alone in my own house. Plus, you've got a bad back.
Pierre Brochant : She hasn't left me. She's a bit depressed. She'll be back. Now go home, and good night!
François Pignon : "She'll be back." That's what I said for two years.
-
Pierre Brochant : [trying to call Pignon to cancel their dinner] He's out. Holy shit!
Sorbier : What?
Pierre Brochant : His message. He tries to be witty. It's pathetic.
[he redials the number and puts it on speaker phone]
François Pignon : Francois is out, but don't pout! No need to weep, wait for the beep! Your turn to peep!
Pierre Brochant : [hanging up] Isn't he something?
Sorbier : Outstanding, I'd say.
-
Christine Brochant : You asked him here?
Pierre Brochant : To study him before dinner. I hear he's fabulous.
Christine Brochant : I'll leave you two together. Enjoy!
Pierre Brochant : Where are you going?
Christine Brochant : I have a dinner, too. I didn't want to go, but...
Pierre Brochant : Dinner with whom?
Christine Brochant : [hearing the doorbell] Is it him? I don't want to meet him.
Pierre Brochant : No, it's the doctor.
-
Christine Brochant : Did you cancel your dinner?
Pierre Brochant : [putting ice on his back after pulling a muscle] My God, that's cold!
Christine Brochant : So, did you cancel?
Pierre Brochant : A sore back needs heat.
Christine Brochant : Dr. Sorbier said ice.
Pierre Brochant : You reached him?
Christine Brochant : In his car. He'll be here soon.
Pierre Brochant : Great. I need a drink. A splash of scotch.
Christine Brochant : [going to pour his drink] Did your sore back make you deaf?
Pierre Brochant : No, I didn't cancel.
Christine Brochant : You're still going to that sinister dinner?
Pierre Brochant : It's great fun. You think it's sinister; don't sulk just because I enjoy it!
Christine Brochant : Come on. Stay with me. You know I'm not feeling well.
Pierre Brochant : So come with me for a change. You'll have a blast.
Christine Brochant : Making fun of some poor guy?
Pierre Brochant : But he's an idiot! Idiots are fair game.
-
Pierre Brochant : I'm off to bed. Turn out the lights.
François Pignon : Can't I call my chiropractor buddy?
Pierre Brochant : No!
François Pignon : He's great. And cheap. Know what he charges for house calls?
Pierre Brochant : I'm with Pr. Sorbier of the West Side Hospital. I don't need your buddy!
François Pignon : Yours may be good, but look at you now.
Pierre Brochant : Because you fell on me!
[to himself]
Pierre Brochant : Why do I even argue with this jerk?
François Pignon : You're like a horse that missed a jump. At the track, they'd put you out of your misery.
-
François Pignon : [showing Pierre pictures of his matchstick models] So, how many matches?
Pierre Brochant : 2,000?
François Pignon : 346,422!
Pierre Brochant : Wow!
François Pignon : That's not all. How many tubes of glue?
Pierre Brochant : Mr. Pignon?
François Pignon : Yes?
Pierre Brochant : We're going to that dinner!
François Pignon : You can walk?
Pierre Brochant : I'll try. You got a car?
François Pignon : Sure.
Pierre Brochant : If you drive, we'll manage. Help me up.
François Pignon : [doing so] Here we go.
[Pierre groans in pain as he stands up]
François Pignon : You okay? Take it easy. 37!
Pierre Brochant : What?
François Pignon : 37 tubes of glue.
Pierre Brochant : We'll have a wonderful evening, Mr. Pignon.
[they accidentally trip, and Francois lands on top of Pierre]
François Pignon : I'm so sorry. Are you hurt?
-
Pierre Brochant : [after injuring his back even more than it already is] Now what?
François Pignon : A chiropractor!
Pierre Brochant : No need.
François Pignon : A buddy of mine. He's great.
Pierre Brochant : I don't need him!
François Pignon : He's the best in Courbevoie.
Pierre Brochant : I don't want him! Go home, I'll be fine.
François Pignon : What about dinner?
Pierre Brochant : It's off. I'm in no shape now!
-
François Pignon : Good evening, Mr. Leblanc. George Van Brueghel here. Sorry to bother you so late. I'm a Belgian producer, I just got in from Belgium, and I'm very interested in your novel...
Pierre Brochant : [prompting him] "The Merry-Go-Round".
François Pignon : "The Merry-Go-Round." I'd like to discuss buying the movie rights.
Juste Leblanc : Is this a joke?
François Pignon : Not at all. Why?
Juste Leblanc : Etienne?
François Pignon : What?
Juste Leblanc : Cut it out, I know it's you.
-
François Pignon : When you asked about my life, I didn't say "Go to hell." Farewell, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : Leblanc was my best friend. We quarreled two years ago. Okay?
François Pignon : Over what? He made a pass at your wife?
Pierre Brochant : No, I stole her from him. He lived with Christine. She left him for me. They wrote a novel together and brought it to me.
François Pignon : Then what?
Pierre Brochant : I took both the novel and Christine.
François Pignon : All you windsurfers steal your friends' wives?
Pierre Brochant : I'm no windsurfer! Give me a break!
François Pignon : But you told me...
Pierre Brochant : I don't do it enough to swipe my friends'... what am I saying? Is your curiosity satisfied?
François Pignon : Why don't you call him?
Pierre Brochant : Who?
François Pignon : Him. To see if she's with him!
Pierre Brochant : I call and say "Did the woman I stole come back"?
François Pignon : At least you'd know. I called Benjamin and asked, "Have you left with Florence?" He said yes and hung up. At least I knew.
-
Pierre Brochant : You came.
Juste Leblanc : I felt bad leaving you alone.
François Pignon : He wasn't alone. I took care of him.
Pierre Brochant : Yes, and now you're leaving!
-
François Pignon : Good night, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : Where does he live?
Juste Leblanc : He has a love nest, but as to the address...
François Pignon : Good night, Mr. Leblanc.
Juste Leblanc : Good night. It's very secretive. No one knows it.
François Pignon : Good night, Mr. Brochant!
Pierre Brochant : [irritably] Good night! There must be a way to find it.
François Pignon : Meneaux had a tax audit. Pascal Meneaux, advertising. I've seen his file at the Ministry. My pal's on his case. Meneaux has a love nest, but it's no secret. Not to us, anyway. Good night, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : [to Juste] Get him back in here!
-
François Pignon : Marlène Hissister? It's me again. I'm calling to say Mrs. Brochant came home. Yes, a moment ago. She's fine, Mr. Brochant is fine, everybody's fine. His back is sore, but he's taking it better.
Pierre Brochant : Say goodbye!
François Pignon : I'm not really a friend of his. He likes my models. I make matchstick models of engineering feats; the Tancarville Bridge, the Golden Gate Bridge...
Pierre Brochant : She doesn't care!
François Pignon : She's very interested!
Pierre Brochant : Don't tie up my phone line!
François Pignon : Sorry, I have to go now. He needs me, and in his shape, I can't leave him alone.
Pierre Brochant : [frustrated] Oh, my God!
Marlène Sasseur : Alone? His wife isn't back?
François Pignon : What? Sure she's back... but she stepped out. She hasn't walked out, she stepped out... to throw out the garbage.
Pierre Brochant : What is this?
François Pignon : Aries, with Gemini ascending. Aries don't lie. I'm not lying.
Pierre Brochant : Enough!
Marlène Sasseur : I'll be right over.
François Pignon : Hello? She said, "I'll be right over" and hung up.
Pierre Brochant : Give me that phone!
François Pignon : Sorry, I played it too cool. I didn't expect her to be so cunning.
-
François Pignon : I saw the light was on and figured you weren't asleep.
Pierre Brochant : You still here?
François Pignon : Thank God I am!
Pierre Brochant : Why?
François Pignon : We had a visitor.
Pierre Brochant : Who?
François Pignon : The nutcase.
Pierre Brochant : Marlene?
François Pignon : She just left. She was about to force your door. You're lucky a guy called Pignon told her "Keep out!".
Pierre Brochant : You got rid of Marlene?
François Pignon : Yes. I don't want to brag, but I was pretty cool. I was sweet, but firm. Got rid of her fast. You won't see her again.
Pierre Brochant : That's good news.
François Pignon : A pity, because she's a real looker.
-
Pierre Brochant : What are you up to now?
Juste Leblanc : Still writing. And I've already got a published.
Pierre Brochant : What do you write?
Juste Leblanc : We'll talk later. I have bad news. She called. She was torn between coming here and making a huge mistake. I tried to convince her, but...
Pierre Brochant : What mistake?
Juste Leblanc : Going to Meneaux's place.
Pierre Brochant : What?
Juste Leblanc : Pascal Meneaux, from the advertising company. She must be there now.
-
Juste Leblanc : [leaving a voicemail] Pierre, it's Juste. I wondered about the Belgian weirdo, then realized you're looking for your wife. Ask me yourself, without the accent. Bye.
Pierre Brochant : [picking up] Juste? It's me. Where is she?
Juste Leblanc : I've waited two years for this. But I feel sorry for you.
Pierre Brochant : Don't. Just tell me if she's with you.
Juste Leblanc : She called to say she'd left you. She was very upset.
Pierre Brochant : Did she say where she was going?
Juste Leblanc : No.
Pierre Brochant : Where could she be?
Juste Leblanc : [laughing] It's painful, huh?
Pierre Brochant : You know exactly how I feel. But I've got a bad back, too!
Juste Leblanc : No kidding?
Pierre Brochant : You'd laugh if you saw me; bent over, unable to move.
Juste Leblanc : You want me to stop by?
Pierre Brochant : Thanks, but I'd rather be alone. Thanks again. Juste? You don't have to, but if she calls you again...
Juste Leblanc : I'll call you, I promise.
Pierre Brochant : Thanks. I don't deserve a friend like you.
-
Pierre Brochant : Meneaux's the worst!
Juste Leblanc : That's why she went. She's mad at you.
Pierre Brochant : That two-cent Romeo. She's crazy!
-
François Pignon : [pretending to be a movie producer] There! We have the rights! And for peanuts, I'd say. He fell for it, he did!
Pierre Brochant : What about my wife?
François Pignon : What?
Pierre Brochant : He forgot about my wife! He yaps for five minutes and forgets about my wife!
François Pignon : [realizing his mistake] I blew it.
Pierre Brochant : This tops my wildest dreams!
François Pignon : Indeed, I blew it.
Pierre Brochant : This is record-breaking!
François Pignon : I'll call back.
Pierre Brochant : Give me that phone!
François Pignon : I'll say, "How can I reach your co-author, Christine Le Guirrec?".
Pierre Brochant : Give me that phone!
François Pignon : Too bad, we were about to find out.
Pierre Brochant : You'll say, "How can I reach your co-author, Christine Le Guirrec"?
François Pignon : And no more.
-
Pierre Brochant : [after Pignon inadvertently calls his mistress] If my wife's gone, she'll come running. All I need is a nymphomaniac!
François Pignon : She's a nympho, too? Oh, my!
Pierre Brochant : Stop it, will you? If I call, she'll go on for hours! Tell her my wife's back. Hurry, damn it! My wife's back, everything's well.
François Pignon : Really?
Pierre Brochant : That's what you say!
François Pignon : Right, sorry.
[amused]
François Pignon : Marlene Hissister!
-
Pierre Brochant : His name is Juste Leblanc.
François Pignon : [hearing "just Leblanc"] He has no first name?
Pierre Brochant : I told you, Juste Leblanc.
[seeing he doesn't understand]
Pierre Brochant : Leblanc's his last name, Juste is his first name.
François Pignon : Huh.
Pierre Brochant : Mr. Pignon, your first name's Francois.
François Pignon : Yes.
Pierre Brochant : Just think his is Juste.
[seeing he still doesn't understand]
Pierre Brochant : We're wasting time. My wife wrote under her maiden name, Le Guirrec.
François Pignon : She's from Brittany?
Pierre Brochant : Please, stay focused!
François Pignon : Sorry.
-
Marlène Sasseur : It's you, darling. I'll drop off the dogs and be right over.
Pierre Brochant : Don't! My wife'll be home any minute. Don't come over!
Marlène Sasseur : Sorry, but I doubt she'll be returning. Know what I think? She's back with Leblanc.
Pierre Brochant : Leblanc? Why even bring him up? It's over between them! I say she's with no one! Please stay home tonight, okay?
[she hangs up]
Pierre Brochant : Hello? That nut won't listen!
-
Pierre Brochant : You're a Belgian movie producer, you read "The Merry-Go-Round", and want to buy the movie rights, okay?
François Pignon : Is it a good book?
Pierre Brochant : It's awful. Why?
François Pignon : It bothers me.
Pierre Brochant : Why?
François Pignon : If it's awful, why do I want the movie rights?
Pierre Brochant : Mr. Pignon. You're not a producer, are you?
François Pignon : No.
Pierre Brochant : You're not Belgian, either?
François Pignon : No.
Pierre Brochant : So you're not calling about the book, you're calling about my wife!
François Pignon : That's tricky, but clever as hell!
-
Pierre Brochant : We could use the book they wrote. Tell him you're a movie producer. You've read the book and want the movie rights.
François Pignon : Good idea!
Pierre Brochant : Then casually, you ask about his co-author.
François Pignon : What co-author?
Pierre Brochant : My wife! He wrote it with her!
François Pignon : Right. I'm sorry.
Pierre Brochant : [having second thoughts] It'll never work!
François Pignon : It will! It's not easy, but I got it.
Pierre Brochant : Not easy? You're a producer, okay? You have a company in Paris. No, he knows everybody here. Foreign.
François Pignon : American? German?
Pierre Brochant : Belgian! That's it!
François Pignon : Why Belgian?
Pierre Brochant : It suits you.
-
François Pignon : I'm not Etienne, I'm a producer from Brussels.
Juste Leblanc : What company?
François Pignon : Sorry?
Juste Leblanc : What's your company called?
François Pignon : [as he makes it up, Pierre face-palms] Flatland Films.
Juste Leblanc : Flatland Films?
François Pignon : A young, but dynamic company, Mr. Leblanc.
Juste Leblanc : And you're interested in my novel?
François Pignon : Very interested.
Juste Leblanc : For a movie or TV?
Pierre Brochant : [prompting him] A movie.
François Pignon : A movie, for the big screen. Not the small box!
Juste Leblanc : I want to do the screenplay myself.
François Pignon : [at Pierre's urging] No problem, Mr. Leblanc. But we're a small company with limited budgets. If you're not too greedy...
Pierre Brochant : What about my wife?
Juste Leblanc : We'll talk money later. When can I meet you, Mr...?
François Pignon : Van Breughel.
Pierre Brochant : [urging him to focus] My wife!
-
François Pignon : Sorry to disturb you, it's Van Breughel again.
Juste Leblanc : My agent's on the other line. I'll call you. What's your number?
François Pignon : 01.45.90.56.03.
[Pierre unplugs the phone]
François Pignon : Hello? Hello? He cut me off.
Pierre Brochant : I did, you idiot!
François Pignon : Idiot?
Pierre Brochant : [plugging the phone back in] You gave him my phone number!
François Pignon : Sure, he wants to call me back.
Pierre Brochant : You never stop, do you?
-
Pierre Brochant : You can go now. I need to be alone.
François Pignon : Yes, yes. Can I help you to your room? You can't sleep on the floor!
Pierre Brochant : Get me to the sofa.
François Pignon : [helping him up] Slowly.
Pierre Brochant : Look ahead.
François Pignon : They're all alike, eh?
Pierre Brochant : What?
François Pignon : I gather yours ran off with someone, too.
Pierre Brochant : She ran off with nobody.
François Pignon : Mine ran off with nobody, also, because Benjamin is a nobody. But she still ran off with him!
Pierre Brochant : Hadn't we said goodbye?
-
Marlène Sasseur : Hello?
François Pignon : Hello, Pr. Sorbier, please. For Pierre Brochant.
Marlène Sasseur : Pierre Brochant?
François Pignon : Yes. I need the doctor right away.
Marlène Sasseur : There's no doctor here.
François Pignon : Sorry, I dialed a wrong number. I skipped a line. The handwriting's so tiny.
Pierre Brochant : Who cares? Just hang up!
François Pignon : Yes, I'm at his place. Yes, he's here. No, he's in pretty bad shape. He's got a bad back. He can't move, he's spread out on the floor like a sack of potatoes.
Pierre Brochant : Who are you talking to?
François Pignon : Who am I talking to? Really? Then I can tell you he's in very bad shape. His wife left him, too. He's broken, body and soul!
Pierre Brochant : Stop that!
François Pignon : I must go. He's about to lose it. Bye!
-
Juste Leblanc : I've got an idea. Listen to this. We scare Meneaux to make him come clean.
Pierre Brochant : How?
Juste Leblanc : You call and say you know everything, you're coming to wreck his place with three tough guys.
Pierre Brochant : Not bad.
Juste Leblanc : We'll know right away by the way he reacts.
François Pignon : A fine strategy!
Pierre Brochant : I can't call him. He knows my voice!
Juste Leblanc : He knows mine, too.
Lucien Cheval : And mine. I'm with him all day.
François Pignon : [they all turn to look at him] I think I'm going to be needed!
Pierre Brochant : [mortified at the thought] Oh, no!
Juste Leblanc : Only he can do it!
François Pignon : I really feel up to it!
Juste Leblanc : We'll coach him, and he'll do fine.
Pierre Brochant : Just wait and see!
-
François Pignon : Lucien, it's Francois!
Lucien Cheval : How's the big Auxerre fan?
François Pignon : I'm no die-hard, and the game's not over!
Lucien Cheval : Not over? You idiot! Two goals down and it's not over? Auxerre is a team of clowns, dickheads, and fuck-offs!
François Pignon : Yeah? Who got slaughtered last week? Up Marseilles' ass, ream it with class!
Lucien Cheval : Go fuck yourself!
François Pignon : You, too!
[hanging up]
François Pignon : What an asshole! Marseilles are turds, Marseilles are turds! Marseilles are turds! He's such a jerk!
[seeing Pierre and Juste's looks]
François Pignon : I'll call him back.
Juste Leblanc : He's in a league of his own.
Pierre Brochant : It's been like this for hours.
-
Pierre Brochant : Could you get us that address, Francois?
François Pignon : I'd have to call Cheval, and I'd hate to. He's watching football on TV.
[showing them a picture of one of his matchstick models]
François Pignon : An oil derrick.
Juste Leblanc : Superb. Did you see that?
Pierre Brochant : Yes.
François Pignon : Know what I called it? Beau Derrick. After the actress, Bo Derek! Beau Derrick, Bo Derek! We had such a laugh at the office!
Pierre Brochant : My wife is with a deadly sex fiend. Please call Cheval!
François Pignon : Let's wait 'til halftime.
Pierre Brochant : Why?
François Pignon : If the game's dicey, he'll tell me to buzz off. Wait for halftime.
Pierre Brochant : When is that?
François Pignon : Soon. We'd best watch the game. Got a TV?
Pierre Brochant : Not for football games!
François Pignon : It's a big game.
Pierre Brochant : Who cares?
[Juste calms him down]
Pierre Brochant : Sorry. The TV's in the den.
-
Juste Leblanc : [meeting Francois] He's a bit of an idiot!
Pierre Brochant : That's why I invited him.
Juste Leblanc : Is he the guy...?
Pierre Brochant : Yes! It's awful!
Juste Leblanc : No kidding! He's your dinner idiot?
Pierre Brochant : I've had it!
[Juste starts laughing]
Pierre Brochant : It's not funny!
Juste Leblanc : Sorry, but you with a bad back and a broken heart, stuck with this...
Pierre Brochant : [he continues laughing] Stop it!
Juste Leblanc : When she said she'd left you, I didn't laugh. But seeing you with that jerk...
[he continues laughing]
-
Pierre Brochant : He tossed out my wife!
François Pignon : I'm really sorry, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : He drove her straight into Meneaux's arms!
François Pignon : Okay, I goofed. But anybody would have made that mistake.
Pierre Brochant : Get out, Mr. Pignon.
Juste Leblanc : No, Pierre. We need him. Call Cheval.
Pierre Brochant : I can't stand him!
François Pignon : I'm really sorry, Mr. Brochant. I wanted to help you so badly.
Juste Leblanc : It's halftime! We must call Cheval!
François Pignon : I'll make it up to you, Mr. Brochant. Tell me to call Cheval.
Juste Leblanc : Think of Christine! We must save her!
-
François Pignon : I'm calling because I need a favor.
Lucien Cheval : Okay, on one condition.
François Pignon : What?
Lucien Cheval : Shout, "Go, Marseilles, go!"
François Pignon : What?
Lucien Cheval : Let me hear you shout, "Go, Marseilles, go!"
Pierre Brochant : [Francois doesn't want to] You must!
Juste Leblanc : [prompting him] "Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go!"
Pierre Brochant , Juste Leblanc : Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go!
François Pignon : I'm doing this for you, Pierre.
[to Lucien as fast as he can]
François Pignon : Go, Marseilles, go.
Lucien Cheval : You must need a big favor.
-
Pierre Brochant : [reluctantly inviting Francois' co-worker over for dinner] We've got time to tape the game for that retard.
François Pignon : Cheval's no retard. He's our best inspector. Let him loose in this apartment, and he'll strip it!
Juste Leblanc : It might not be a good idea to let a tax inspector into your home.
-
Juste Leblanc : What's that wine?
Pierre Brochant : Lafitte Rothschild '78.
Juste Leblanc : Don't serve him such expensive wine!
Pierre Brochant : That's all I have.
Juste Leblanc : No table wine?
Pierre Brochant : No! I've worked like a dog so I wouldn't have to drink cheap wine! I only have great wines! Or water!
Juste Leblanc : Does Cheval know about wines?
François Pignon : You bet he does! You opened a fine bottle. He'll like that!
Juste Leblanc : Hear that? We've got a problem!
Pierre Brochant : I'll solve it. Just you wait.
-
Lucien Cheval : Let's try this omelet.
[taking a bite]
Lucien Cheval : Mm. Mm.
François Pignon : What's wrong?
Lucien Cheval : A masterpiece, Francois!
François Pignon : He's so silly. Thanks, Lucien.
Lucien Cheval : Light, unctuous...
François Pignon : My secret's a few drops of beer in the eggs.
Pierre Brochant : [his patience snapping] The address, damn it!
-
Juste Leblanc : Who would tell us to call him? Someone who'd have the number to his love nest.
Lucien Cheval : His partner, Roussin, would. They're very close.
Juste Leblanc : Roussin it is.
Pierre Brochant : Why wouldn't he call himself? Why wouldn't Roussin call? It'll seem odd.
Lucien Cheval : Meneaux told me he's heading to L.A. tonight.
Juste Leblanc : Perfect! We're calling for Roussin who's on a plane.
-
Pierre Brochant : Sit down, Mr. Pignon. Repeat after me, "I'm calling for Mr. Roussin. He's on a plane, but has a message for you."
François Pignon : Okay.
Pierre Brochant : No, repeat it. Pretend I'm Meneaux and repeat what I said.
François Pignon : I've got it!
Pierre Brochant : Please, Mr. Pignon, repeat precisely.
François Pignon : "Hello, I'm calling for Mr. Roussin. He's on a plane, and has a message for you."
Juste Leblanc : Perfect!
Pierre Brochant : Not yet. You add, "Brochant knows everything."
[Francois moves to take the phone]
Pierre Brochant : No, repeat it!
Lucien Cheval : Come on, he's not stupid!
Pierre Brochant : "Brochant knows everything."
François Pignon : [parroting it back] "Brochant knows everything."
Pierre Brochant : Then you say, "He knows about his wife." If Meneaux asks who's speaking, you say, "A friend of Roussin's. Brochant's coming with three pals."
François Pignon : Huh. "He's with three of his toughest pals."
Lucien Cheval : He's talented!
François Pignon : I'm just parroting.
Juste Leblanc : He's excellent.
François Pignon : Could I improvise a bit?
Pierre Brochant : No!
François Pignon : Don't shout. You scared me.
Pierre Brochant : Just stick to what I told you.
-
Juste Leblanc : What are you doing?
Pierre Brochant : I'm putting vinegar in my Lafitte. Now we have cheap wine. There! A wino's delight! Taste it.
Juste Leblanc : You taste it!
François Pignon : [Pierre offers it to him] No, thanks.
Pierre Brochant : [taking a sip himself] Weird. It has more body.
Juste Leblanc : [taking a sip] Damn!
Pierre Brochant : It hasn't ruined it.
[taking another sip]
Pierre Brochant : I'd say it's better.
Juste Leblanc : Definitely.
-
Lucien Cheval : You been attached?
Pierre Brochant : No, why?
Lucien Cheval : Those light patches; pantings have been removed.
François Pignon : He doesn't miss a trick. You're fabulous, Lucien!
Juste Leblanc : You came to help or audit him?
François Pignon : He came to help! Right? Hurry! Poor Mr. Brochant is in a fix!
Lucien Cheval : Yeah, poor Mr. Brochant... sure, Meneaux's quite the jerk, but as we say, "dogs only go for bitches." Here we are. Barrès St. Near the park. 37 Barrès St.
François Pignon : In Neuilly.
Pierre Brochant : Great! I'm off.
Juste Leblanc : Wait, make sure she's there! Don't go 'til you're sure of it.
Lucien Cheval : He won't open the door. He's sneaky.
Pierre Brochant : I'll kick it open.
Juste Leblanc : What if she's not there? Then what?
François Pignon : We could call him.
Pierre Brochant : To ask if my wife's in his bed, snug under his quilt?
-
Pierre Brochant : We're in a hurry. You got the address?
François Pignon : He's the man I told you about.
Lucien Cheval : Yes, the...
François Pignon : Right.
Lucien Cheval : [indicating his briefcase] The address is in here. I'm starving.
François Pignon : I made you a nice omelet. You'll love it!
Lucien Cheval : [sitting down] Am I the only one eating?
Pierre Brochant : Yes. So, where's this love nest?
Lucien Cheval : I audited a Michel Brochant three years ago. Are you related?
Pierre Brochant : Could be. Where does he live?
Lucien Cheval : In jail. He got five years. Nice guy. Had a fancy place just like yours that we auctioned off.
[opening his briefcase]
Lucien Cheval : Where's that fuck nest? Let me look through all this stuff. Advertising is quite lucrative. What's your thing, Mr. Brochant?
Pierre Brochant : Publishing.
Lucien Cheval : Very profitable, too.
Pierre Brochant : Please, the address.
-
Pierre Brochant : You told him I was your friend! He wouldn't go to work on me.
François Pignon : Cheval would audit his own mother!
Juste Leblanc : [indicating a painting on the wall] Is that a copy?
François Pignon : If you're clean, if your artworks were declared, you'll be fine. What'll we feed him?
Pierre Brochant : I've got frozen stuff and eggs.
François Pignon : I'll make him a nice omelet!
Pierre Brochant : [moving to take the painting off the wall] Give me a hand.
Juste Leblanc : Watch your back. Where do we put it?
Pierre Brochant : We'll put everything in my room.
[Juste starts laughing]
Pierre Brochant : Stop laughing!
Juste Leblanc : That idiot managed to drive your wife to adultery and to get you audited!
-
Pierre Brochant : [learning Francois kicked Christine out, assuming she was Marlene] What did you say to her?
François Pignon : To whom?
Pierre Brochant : To my wife!
François Pignon : Not a thing.
Pierre Brochant : She comes home, and you chase her away!
François Pignon : I thought she was the nutcase. I thought the nympho dumped her dogs and came to make trouble.
Marlène Sasseur : Who is he talking about?
Pierre Brochant : [coming back, Juste begins laughing again and leaves] Please, go home! I have a serious problem!
Marlène Sasseur : Pierre, listen to me.
Pierre Brochant : Marlene, go away!
Marlène Sasseur : I cram three dogs in my car to come over, and you throw me out?
-
Lucien Cheval : Do I know this poor sap?
François Pignon : I doubt it.
[to Pierre]
François Pignon : Ever had a tax audit?
Pierre Brochant : No.
François Pignon : No. What's the address?
Lucien Cheval : I can't tell you now. I'll get it tomorrow.
Pierre Brochant : That'll be too late!
François Pignon : It's urgent. It's a personal favor. Can you go over to the Ministry now?
Lucien Cheval : Now? What about the game?
François Pignon : Tape it. We'll watch it together.
Lucien Cheval : I'm already taping the ice-skating show for my wife.
Pierre Brochant : We'll tape the game.
François Pignon : We'll tape the game. Go there for me!
Lucien Cheval : You're a pain! I haven't eaten yet!
Pierre Brochant : We'll feed him.
François Pignon : You're invited here.
Lucien Cheval : I don't know your sap!
François Pignon : He's a great guy. Hop over to the Ministry for me.
Lucien Cheval : You're a drag!
François Pignon : I did say, "Go, Marseilles, go!".
Lucien Cheval : What's the address?
-
Pierre Brochant : Francois Pignon, Marlene.
François Pignon : Marlene?
Pierre Brochant : Who did you toss out earlier?
François Pignon : Marlene.
Marlène Sasseur : What?
Pierre Brochant : This is Marlene. Who did you toss out?
[Juste starts laughing]
Pierre Brochant : If this is so funny, get out!
Juste Leblanc : Sorry.
Pierre Brochant : A blonde in a beige raincoat?
François Pignon : You said, "That nut will show up!". A woman shows up, I figure it's the nut!
Marlène Sasseur : What nut?
Juste Leblanc : [laughing harder] I'll be back.
-
François Pignon : [on the phone with Marlene] She's suicidal.
Pierre Brochant : It's blackmail. Where are my keys?
François Pignon : Don't do anything silly! Swear you won't!
Marlène Sasseur : You're nice. But he's a bastard! One hell of a bastard!
François Pignon : Don't say that.
Marlène Sasseur : He's so mean! Even in his way of having fun!
François Pignon : I have to go.
Marlène Sasseur : If he hadn't hurt his back, he'd be making fun of some guy.
François Pignon : What do you mean?
Pierre Brochant : Hang up!
Marlène Sasseur : Didn't he tell you? Every week, they hold a dinner game. They invite idiots and make fun of them all night!
-
Lucien Cheval : Interesting room.
Pierre Brochant : A storage room, where I keep my old things.
Lucien Cheval : It's awful, but I don't care!
François Pignon : What is?
Lucien Cheval : He's a tax dodger, and I don't care!
François Pignon : Get a hold of yourself. Run home and take a shower. Want the tape of the football game?
Lucien Cheval : I'm in no mood for that. Goodbye, Mr. Leblanc.
Juste Leblanc : Goodbye, Mr. Cheval.
Lucien Cheval : Goodbye Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : Goodbye, Mr. Cheval. Thanks for all your help.
Lucien Cheval : Don't mention it. We'll meet again soon. I'm going to audit you. All this is suspect.
Pierre Brochant : [watching him leave] He recovered pretty fast.
-
François Pignon : The retard is leaving. But first, answer this: did you invite me to a dinner for idiots, Mr. Brochant?
Pierre Brochant : Look, in one evening, you've avenged all the idiots who ever attended our dinners. Good night, Mr. Pignon.
François Pignon : She's right. You're mean, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : So I'm mean! My wife says it, and everyone agrees; I'm mean. You can put it on my answering machine, "Brochant is a meanie!"
François Pignon : Don't mix sedatives and alcohol.
Pierre Brochant : Why not? It's the moral of the story; Brochant the meanie gets drunk alone in his big place, while nice Pignon goes home saying, "The bastard got punished! Brochant's a meanie, Pignon's a beanie!"
-
François Pignon : What was tonight's dinner for?
Pierre Brochant : For friends who admired your work! Let's go!
François Pignon : Were there other guests?
Pierre Brochant : Let's talk in the elevator.
François Pignon : What kind of guests?
Pierre Brochant : Why these questions?
François Pignon : How do you pick your guests?
Pierre Brochant : Get to the point, Mr. Pignon.
François Pignon : Was I invited to your dinner for idiots, Mr. Brochant?
-
Pierre Brochant : We're going to the next dinner. But this time, you're taking me. And I'll win first prize.
François Pignon : I'm exhausted. Being smart is very tiring.
Pierre Brochant : I'll try it sometime.
François Pignon : Promise me one thing, Mr. Brochant.
Pierre Brochant : Just ask.
François Pignon : Think twice before you call anyone an idiot.
-
Lucien Cheval : That wine...
Pierre Brochant : It is a bit coarse.
Lucien Cheval : I'm going to puke! The bathroom!
François Pignon : Here, Lucien!
Pierre Brochant : First door on the left!
[leading Lucien to the bathroom, Francois opens the door on the right, and the artwork that Pierre hid falls out]
Pierre Brochant : I said "On the left."