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Seven things you must never do on a London bus

The London bus network: our answer to tube strikes, vitamin D deficiency and naps after a night on the town. It's also a 24-hour mass of Oyster etiquette, diversions and aisle-or-window seat dilemmas. So to reduce your bus-related stress, here are seven things you must never do on a London bus:     A photo posted by ShreenGayle (@shreengayle) on May 30, 2015 at 6:53am PDT   1. Paint your nails People freak out, even if it's just a few maintenance touch ups for a special event. Bus drivers have been known to stop the bus, jump out of their little hatch and complain about the smell too; they obviously don't understand the importance of nail beauty - apart from the man above that is. via GIPHY 2. Ask the bus driver where the bus goes If you don't already know, why are you on the bus? For one thing, the bus driver will have no interest in listing places in London to you and will probably ignore you as he is chatting to his mate on the radio. Secondly, as you've stopped to loom as close as possible to that smeared plastic divider that bus drivers hide behind, your naivety is busy plugging up the bus entrance. All those Londoners who were Oyster-ready have to wait to get on the bus because of you and your ridiculous questions  - and they've already waited for the bus. London is not about waiting - it's about now, now, now people. via GIPHY 3. Press the stop bell more than once As a nation, we no longer deliver capital punishment, although many Londoners ha

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Five Halloween events in London for under-fives

If your terrifying toddler isn’t quite old enough to hit the streets for trick-or-treating, you can still get involved in some spooky fun that won’t give your mini monster nightmares. Check out these eerie Halloween events for the under-fives: Mothercare Edmonton's Trick or Treat Fancy Dress Party, Saturday October 24 This Mothercare store in north London is hosting a special spooky play session with all profits going to children’s hospice Haven House. Kids can expect singing, dancing, face-painting and party games as well as the usual soft play fun. Mothercare Edmonton, N18 3HA; Tickets £3 per child. Spooky Stories: Teeny-Tiny and the Witch-Woman, Thursday October 29 Professional storyteller Helen Tozer will captivate your kids with the well-loved tale of Teeny-Tiny and his brothers, who find shelter in a cosy but unusual cottage deep in the forest. The spooky storytelling is followed by some delightfully frightful outdoor activities. Recommended for 4+, wet weather wear gear is advised. The Soanes Centre, Tower Hamlets Cemetery Park, E3 4PX. Tickets £4 per child, extra siblings £2 (siblings under four free). The Little Disco Company's Halloween Pop-Up Disco, Friday October 30 Put your tiny tot in the spookiest outfit and bop the hours away, Halloween style. Competitions, games, bubbles and fireworks are also included. The Ivy House pub, Nunhead. Tickets are £1 per adult, £6 per child. Extra siblings £4. Little Folk with Albo Halloween Special, Saturday October 31 Am

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Learn something new at these masterclasses in London

Work: it takes up way too much time. Admittedly, it's a necessary evil. That extortionate rent isn't going to pay itself, and life would be truly miserable without at least a little beer money to blow. But in between the office, the pub and our beds, it's easy to forget the joy of trying something new. Fortunately, London is positively oozing with quirky classes and wacky workshops to shake things up, so here's a round-up of our top teachers. School of Wok Covent Garden’s magnificently named Chinese cookery school runs three-hour classes on every kind of Asian cuisine. I tried the Thai class the other day and had a blast (turns out green curry isn’t supposed to come out of a jar). Other classes designed to seriously boost your dinner party game include dim sum, Japanese and takeaway classes, all around £95 per person. If you can't be arsed to cook, have the pros do it for you at one of School of Wok's supper clubs.   <img id="1151be46-ead7-e6ba-4087-e37cb908f005" data-caption="" data-credit="Karin Pringsheim Photography" data-width-class="" type="image/jpeg" total="58145" loaded="58145" image_id="102878739" src="http://media.timeout.com/images/102878739/image.jpg" class="photo lazy inline"> Karin Pringsheim Photography Tea Studio It’s quite possible you’ve been drinking tea all wrong, but fortunately Kyle Whittington of east London’s Tea Studio is on the case with a series of tea-centric workshops to get you back on track. Choose

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Five things students should know when living in Zone 1

London just got half a million people busier this month thanks to the return of its student population. And with universities and colleges offering digs in locations like Southwark, South Kensington, Covent Garden and Clerkenwell, it’s these scholarly types who are lucky enough to call Zone 1 home. To welcome these autumn newcomers, here's some tips to living in the capital's exclusive turfs. Max out on travel discounts London doesn’t get smaller just because you’re in the middle of it. For those journeys that turn out not to be walkable after all, approach a TfL staff member and ask them to link any railcards you own to your Oyster account in order to get discounts. This lesser-known money saver will mean you feel the full benefit of living in Zone 1: spending peanuts on travel. Claim your territory  Now – and only now – people might actually be familiar with your neighbourhood when you tell them where you live. Look proud. Make it obvious that you know local waypoints by having a brief orienteering session – or, at the least, a Google Street View cruise. The more niche your references, the more impressive.  The Old School Yard, bar, Borough It gets noisy (and dusty) Bars, galleries, restaurants, museums, theatres, bars and more bars. There's no metropolitan pleasure inaccessible to you now, but ease yourself into that Zone 1 life by basing yourself near a quiet park if you can. Otherwise, prepare to get ear plugs to spare your sanity. And you’ll need a vacuum if

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15 things Londoners secretly think when a friend gets married

1. ‘But… but… I’M TOO YOUNG FOR MY FRIENDS TO START HAVING BABIES!’ 2. ‘Ha. I snogged your fiancé before you did.’ TheGiantVermin   3. ‘If the wedding’s not in London, I’m not going’. 4. ‘Sigh. This is DEFINITELY gonna give my partner ideas.’ 5. ‘Bang goes my last free weekend in August.’ 6. ‘Great. Another friend who’s going to move to Ramsgate and start wanging on about their quality of life.' Garry Knight   7. ‘Please don’t let the hen party be in York.’ 8. ‘Oh, Christ. Guarantee his arsehole best man will book a stripper for the stag do.’ 9. ‘I could have five nights out for the price of that hen/stag weekend!’ Caccamo   10. ‘That was a RING? I thought her finger had got stuck in a snowglobe!’ 11. ‘Why oh why oh why have I just bought a hoover for someone I don’t even like that much?’ 12. ‘It better be a free bar...' Francois de Halleux   13. ‘Shit, I better hit the giftlist before all the cheap stuff vanishes!’ 14. ‘What a waste of paper. Why couldn’t they just email me an invite?’ 15. ‘Where the fuck is Ascott under Wychwood?’ For more list LOLs, take a look at: 16 lies that keep London going 28 signs you're a true Londoner

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20 things Londoners say vs what they REALLY mean

We’ve all done it: said one thing out loud, while meaning something completely different. After all, if us Londoners went round being 100 percent honest all the time, Oxford Street would be a permanent gauntlet of fisticuffs. Here’s just a few of our favourite things that we say versus what we actually mean. If it helps, you can tell everyone that you’ve never used any of them. (Translation: ‘MY SECRET SHAME HAS BEEN UNVEILED!’) Duncan Dargie" data-width-class="" /> 1. Londoners say: ‘The bus takes longer but it’s a nice chance to relax.’ They actually mean: ‘I don’t have a Travelcard and I’m too broke for the tube.’ 2. Londoners say: ‘Oh, can’t complain really. You?’ Londoners mean: ‘I am two-to-three large glasses of wine away from complaining at enormous length about everything.’ 3. Londoners say: ‘Ah, sorry: it’s actually no standing on the left on escalators.’  Londoners mean: ‘GET OUT OF MY CITY, TOURIST SCUM.’ 4. Londoners say: ‘Yeah, it’s really nice.’ Londoners mean: ‘WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO MY FRINGE?’   Jacques Lebleu" data-width-class="" />Jacques Lebleu" data-width-class="" type="image/jpeg" total="107074" loaded="107074" src="http://media.timeout.com/images/102797102/image.jpg" class="photo lazy inline"> © Jacques Lebleu         5. Londoners say: ‘I’m popping out

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16 things that freak London the hell out

Today we decided to see what things freak Londoners out via the hashtag #LondonersFreakOutWhen and it turns out it's LOADS of things, given that it ended up being the second most trending topic in the UK. Here are a few of our favourites. (Admittedly, including a few of our own too!) Some people were freaked out by restaurants  @TimeOutLondon Walking into a new restaurant at 6:03pm to find they actually take reservations. (And you don't have one). — Lauren Braaarrrgghvo (@laurenbravo) October 20, 2015  A lot (A LOT) of people were unhappy about having to wait for a tube. @TimeOutLondon #LondonersFreakOutWhen there's more than a 3 minute wait for the next tube — Out Out (@OutOut) October 20, 2015  There were very real things said about the TFL Journey Planner (Citymapper, dudes: Citymapper) #LondonersFreakOutWhen they hit up @TfL Journey Planner to see how to get there and... oh god... oh GOD NO pic.twitter.com/wNrypFwHeo — GuyP (@GuyP) October 20, 2015 There were people talking about door-based mishaps which have definitely never happened to us (ahem) @TimeOutLondon #LondonersFreakOutWhen they realise they've just tried to use their Oyster card to open their front door — Flo Wales Bonner (@karaokeflo) October 20, 2015  There was a very valid point made by an unnecessarily creepy rabbit  #LondonersFreakOutWhen Someone make eye contact with you on the train and you pretend that it was by accident pic.twitter.com/Kw5RIjG1sT — NorBdelta (@NorBdelta)

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17 personal portraits of Londoners living in the city

  A photo posted by Film Portraits (@londonfilmportraits) on May 17, 2015 at 10:56am PDT It's the return of our ‘London on Instagram’ series! Over the coming weeks, we’re going to profile some of London’s best Insta-snappers and their incredible pictures.   A photo posted by Film Portraits (@londonfilmportraits) on Mar 28, 2015 at 9:23am PDT While we're suckers for dramatic London vistas and geometric architectural snaps, there's something pretty magical about getting a simple glimpse into the lives of fellow Londoners - and Instagram account @londonfilmportraits delivers just that. A six month-old photography project run by iOS developer Rehat Kathuria, 24, the account features a series of portraits of Londoners going about their daily lives, all shot on film rather than a digital camera. We caught up with Rehat to chat about the story behind the project.    A photo posted by Film Portraits (@londonfilmportraits) on Apr 30, 2015 at 10:47am PDT Why did you decide to start @LondonFilmPortraits? I’ve suffered from social anxiety ever since I can remember. Earlier this year I convinced myself that approaching strangers for portraits with a film camera would be a good way to try to combat it.   A photo posted by Film Portraits (@londonfilmportraits) on May 6, 2015 at 12:27pm PDT How do you shoot your portraits?  I shoot all the portraits on a Praktica MT5 that I bought on eBay in the middle of the night. I use rolls of Ko

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This photographer has transformed London landmarks with paper cutouts

London's landmarks are great and everything – but unless you've got an eager friend or out-of-town relative coming to visit, you rarely stop to look at them. But London-based photographer Rich McCor decided to try being a tourist in his own city with a project focusing on the city's landmarks. But because no one needs to see another perfectly filtered photo of Big Ben, he mixed things up a bit by using intricate paper cutouts to transform the sights into something else. He started by giving the 156 year-old Big Ben a modern update and turning it into a wristwatch:   A photo posted by Rich McCor (@paperboyo) on Jul 11, 2015 at 4:33am PDT He also included a London fact with some of his pictures – this one was inspired by Oswald Laurence, who did the original 'Mind the Gap' announcement, which was eventually only used at Embankment. His wife used to visit the station every day after he died so she could hear his voice and although it was briefly changed it to a digital announcement, the original one was reinstated after his wife contacted TfL. Awww.   A photo posted by Rich McCor (@paperboyo) on Sep 15, 2015 at 9:00am PDT Once you've seen one picture of the London Eye, you've pretty much seen them all. Until now.   A photo posted by Rich McCor (@paperboyo) on Sep 8, 2015 at 11:36pm PDT A spot of fishing in the fountains at Trafalgar Square? Sure, why not.   A photo posted by Rich McCor (@paperboyo) on Aug 27, 2015 at 3:11am PDT

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A short commute makes Londoners happier than sex

Over 10,000 Londoners shared their story with us in our epic City Living Survey. And the results are fascinating. We asked how happy and calm people were feeling, and a bunch of other questions about their life.Then we looked at connections between the two: were people who worked from home happier than average? How about people who don't drink alcohol?Here's what we found... Average improvement in wellbeing by lifestyle factor Having a short commute +8.3%Exercising in past week +7.8%Cycling instead of taking tube +6.9%Having sex in past week +6.5%Being in a relationship +5.0%Not relying on coffee +4.7%Calling family in past week +3.7%Earning more than average +3.1% That's right, a swift journey to work each day had a bigger impact on Londoners' happiness than sex, love, money, or even being free of the demon caffeine addiction. Londoners who said they felt 'almost always' happy had an average commute of 36 minutes, while people who are 'almost never' happy have an average commute of 45 minutes. In fact, every additional ten minutes spent getting home from work knocks 1 percent off someone's overall wellbeing score. But does how we travel make a difference? Anatoleya" data-width-class="" />Anatoleya" data-width-class="" type="image/jpeg" total="637105" loaded="637105" image_id="102823160" src="http://media.timeout.com/images/102823160/image.jpg" alt="A cyclist in Oxford Circus, London." class="photo lazy inline"> © Anatoleya Overall wellbeing by main mode of transpor

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Quit your job, become a… dog trainer

        Ross McCarthy, 38, Canine behavioural consultant explains how he got into dog training How did you become a dog trainer?'When I was eight I started walking dogs for money. Later on I did voluntary work at the charity Hearing Dogs for Deaf People. I began to instruct at local training classes when I was about 15. Basic training means teaching the dog to come back in the park, to sit, to stay, to walk nicely on a lead, and to go to bed when it's told.' Twenty years on, your title is a bit grander.'Yes, I'm now a canine behavioural consultant. I visit people at their homes to deal with dogs with problematic behaviour. That could be anything from weeing or pooing in the house to excessive barking and various types of aggression. I take into account everything in the dog's environment: the owner, the amount of exercise it gets, the amount of food it's fed.' Are all dogs the same to train? 'Each breed has behaviours that it's predisposed to. A breed like the German shepherd tends to be more deferential to people because working with man is in their genetic heritage. Whereas guarding breeds such as the Rottweiler are more difficult. But it's the way you interact with them that keeps a lid on it.' Other than rewarding with Scooby snacks, how do you get results? 'It's my job to understand what makes them tick – their social rules, if you like. For example, the very best way to meet a dog is to ignore it completely, to allow it to investigate you via scent and then appr

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Bompas & Parr are opening a museum dedicated to food

London isn't exactly short on museums - whether you're into science, transport or history, we've got it covered. But if we had to pick holes, the one thing our city is lacking is a museum dedicated to everyone's favourite pastime - face-stuffing. But that's all about to change because the foodie-obsessive folks at Bompas & Parr are set to launch their own British Museum of Food. It opens on October 23, initially as a three-month trial at a building in Borough Market, until it hopefully finds a permanent home. But don't expect the walls to be filled with arty photographs of pulled pork, as the museum will explore the history, evolution, science, sociology and art of food. It kicks off with an exhibition dedicated to the humble English breakfast as interpreted by different artists, a chocolate 'sonic wonderland' where taste is paired with sound, and an in-depth look at how food travels through the body from the mouth to the intensities. Yum. 1 Cathedral Street, Borough Market, SE1 9DE. From October 23. Wednesday–Friday noon–6pm; Saturday 10am–6pm; Sunday 10am–5pm. £4-5. Book tickets to The British Museum of Food.        

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