62 things you’ll never hear a Londoner say

[Photo: Garry Knight]

1. Hold on guys, I just need to nip into M&M’s World.

2. Six minutes till the next tube? Seems fine.

3. Cor blimey, guv’nor, would you Adam and Eve it!

4. Is it just me or are taxi prices getting cheaper?

5. House party in Upminster? I’m there!

6. The cable car’s shut? How the hell am I meant to get to work now?

7. You know what they should turn this into? Some luxury flats.

8. With so many restaurants to choose from in Soho, I’m sure we won’t have a problem getting a table.

9. Oooh, take a look at that beautiful pigeon.

10. I’ve got pole vaulting class tonight, then I’m meeting the dressage lads for a pint – and to think, it’s all thanks to the Olympic Games!

11. You can tell somewhere’s about to get really cool when people start visiting from Essex.

12. I need a party outfit and fast. Get me to Cyberdog!

13. That slice of pizza I had in Camden market took me right back to the Tuscan countryside. Belissimo!

14. So we need to take the light blue line, then the red line…

15. Amazing – I genuinely thought that guy was a real statue!

16. Tayyabs has got nothing on Masala Zone.

17. London’s museums are great, but the entry fees are a bit steep.

18. I love Canary Wharf. It’s just got that vibe, you know?

19. Boris is alright, but lets face it, he’s no George Osborne.

20. Yes, person with clipboard and overly sincere grin, I actually have several minutes to talk with you about the crisis facing Polynesian iguanas!

21. There’s some great new street art near my flat – have you heard of Banksy?

22. It’s a free country, and as far as I’m concerned, people can stand wherever the hell they want on escalators.

23. If only there was somewhere serving a decent burger in this town!

24. Let’s just go for a quick six pints and a Big Mac and a 90-minute night bus home.

25. Well, we were meant to go to Wetherspoons, but it was so busy, we ended up at this cool new bar round the corner.

26. That’s it – I’m moving to Manchester.

27. I’ve got literally no opinion on this weather.

28. I’m sober. And I’m getting in a rickshaw.

[Photo: Teresa Nobre]

29. Sure, Leicester Square’s cinemas are pricy, but oh, the glamour!

30. I’m just off to the Harrods food court to do the weekly shop.

31. Wait, ‘We Will Rock You’ is… closing? Gutted.

32. Isn’t it depressing how no-one ever talks to you on public transport?

33. Damn these non-bending buses! Damn them all to hell!

34. And that one there is actually going to be all affordable housing! God bless the council, sticking up for the little guy.

35. I heard this fantastic new track on some kid’s mobile phone last night.

36. You’re quite right Mr Cyclist – that red light doesn’t apply to you, on you go. I wasn’t using that leg anyway.

37. I’m only staying for one, I’ve got to drive home after this.

38. I’ve checked the map – the quickest way is just to walk through the Blackwall Tunnel.

39. The best thing about this area is all the people like me that have moved here.

40. For God’s sake, if you don’t press the DOOR OPEN button, then the DOOR is obviously not going to OPEN!

41. The more people that move to my area, the cooler it gets.

42. Post a picture of my brunch on Instagram? What on earth for?

43. Quick! Get a photo of me in this red phone box!

44. Funny story: the house was so cheap, we actually bought two!

[Photo: Garry Knight]

45. Best wait for the lights to change before we cross.

46. It’s a scorcher out there – fancy a refreshing dip in the Thames?

47. I’m going to go home after work so I can have dinner before I go to the pub.

48. I’m too skint for proper beer – I’ll just have a pint of the craft stuff instead.

49. That cabbie had no idea where he was going, but at least his political opinions were well-informed and rationally delivered.

50. Get a lungful of that air!

51. There’s nothing more relaxing than a meandering stroll down Oxford Street.

52. It’s my birthday – see you at the Trocadero for laser tag and Slush Puppies!

53. I really think burritos could be the next big thing – just watch this space.

54. God, I miss the Swiss Centre. So many magical memories…

55. And because the gig is in the middle of a park, they can play as long and as loud as they want!

56. LBC really restores your faith in the education and decency of your fellow man.

57. Lie-sesster Square.

58. Cat café? Not interested.

59. So glad I chose to fly from Stansted – cheaper and more convenient to get to.

60. I’m so sick of these Kensington hipsters.

61. Amazing news, you guys! This weekend, BUSES REPLACE TRAINS!

62. The Northern line? More like the AWESOME line.

Tags: LOLs, londoner, things a londoner says, tube