Last week, award-winning broadcaster Mike Hosking won the coveted role of Seven Sharp presenter, but declined to be interviewed by the Herald on Sunday. So we turned to his Twitter twin, the parody account @MikePerfectHosk. Here's the interview Mike Hosking didn't want you to read:
What do you think of your new co-stars Jesse Mulligan and Toni Street?
Well, for a start they are co-underlings. That said, I think Jesse has the better hair, which is probably why he has survived on the show so long. It's also curious that he has a girl's name and she has a boy's one.
How perfect is life now that you're returning to TV?
Well, my life is already perfect so no real change there. But my return to TV will no doubt make life a little closer to perfect for those who tune in to watch.
I guess that makes me the perfect humanitarian, as well.
What special Christmas purchases will you make to celebrate the appointment?
I think the better question is what special Christmas purchases will other people make to celebrate my appointment because no doubt there will be many.
How will you defeat John Campbell in the battle to dominate the 7pm current affairs timeslot?
Who is John Campbell?
What does wife Kate think about the new job?
I can't tell you what Katie thinks because she hasn't agreed terms yet with any of the women's mags to gush exclusively about what she thinks about it.
How will your relationship with SkyCity impact on your role? Will you have to excuse yourself when a SkyCity story emerges, and if so, where will you excuse yourself to?
You have to have self-awareness to sense a conflict so I don't see there being any issues whatsoever. If there is anything to mull over I'll be at my usual table at the Sugar Club.
On what other topics do you think you might have a conflict of interest?
There will be a terrible conflict if they ask me to cover anything to do with sauvignon blanc.
Are you expecting a fashion allowance from TVNZ, and if so, what will you spend it on?
I'm not expecting a fashion allowance but I am getting a couture allowance. Nothing extravagant, just some Jimmy Choo shoes, True Religion jeans and Gaultier T-shirts.
What topical or hard-hitting investigative journalism stories are you most interested in?
Ones that feature me asking the questions, ignoring the answers and giving my own summation based on my own perfectly preconceived narrative.
How will you get from NewstalkZB to the TVNZ premises? Do you get a complimentary car park at TVNZ for your Maserati?
It's a short journey and repetitive short trips are not good for high-performance European engines. So given that - and also out of concern for the environment - I will be borne on a litter by adoring TVNZ underlings. It will be aspirational for any homeless people along the way.