How To Get Your Stocking Stuffed On Christmas

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. So it’s your civic duty to get someone to ring your bell on Christmas! Hooking up on the holiday is one part finesse, one part alcohol, and one part restraining yourself from stuffing your face. But it is possible to make babies on Jesus’ B-Day, no matter your religion. Here’s how you can be naughty on Christmas Eve and Day ...

1. Hang With Disenfranchised Drunkards: On December 24-25, the billions of people who love Jesus are too busy to give you some lovin’! They are also too full of Christmas ham. Your only options are Jews, Buddhists, Muslims, and other non-Christians. The good new is, those people party it up because they have off work and now have plenty of free time on their hands. So, if you’re looking to chase some tail, hit up big events like the Matzo Ball, a slut-tastic Jewish singles event every Christmas Eve in cities across the country. 

TIP: I went to the Matzo Ball one year with some foreign friends. They were honest about their Baptisms and they totally worked their “stranded-on-Christmas” angle. Heck, I don’t even think they were circumcised, but they each found some Jewess to at least feel up. So don’t let your denomination stop you from sexy times!

2. Dress Code = Festive: Even if this isn’t your holiday, you should step out lookin’ sharp!  Parties during the holiday season are just a touch sparklier, dressier, and more fabulous than the usual.  Bust out that LBD, those gold heels, that sly smile that only someone looking to stay up all night like Santa could flash!

TIP: Random holiday sweaters are a great talking point. Just make sure your sense of irony will be appreciated at the party. You don’t want to accidentally look like you work for QVC.

3. Sexy Texty: Feel free to send a lil’ note to anyone in town you might want to bump into. Just be sure to personalize the text with at least the person’s name. Like those relatives you got generic, last-minute presents for, you still need to make sure these booty calls feel like you’re sending them something special.

TIP: Feel free to message as many people as you want. Family holidays are the perfect excuse for being busy or flaky. Plus, a lot of people are already pretty busy with plans so don’t put all your ornaments on one branch, if you know what I mean.

4. Sloppy Seconds: OK, it’s hard to resist an extra helping at dinner, even if you’re eating at a Chinese restaurant like moi. But, too much food does not get anyone in the mood to screw.  Worse yet, you don’t want any yuletide gas. So take it easy—don’t let a meal get in the way of an eating out!

TIP: Take home your leftovers. That way, when you’re hungry post-romp, you’ll have plenty more to shove in your pie hole!

5. A Christmas Story: Think of three tales you can tell about yourself. Around the holidays, you bump into a lot of people who haven’t seen you in a while or you meet plenty of new faces at shindigs. Everyone is going to ask you your deal. Have some flattering and/or funny anecdotes ready to charm the pants off ‘em! When in doubt, say something nice about what’s in front of you—whether it’s a party, a person, or a present.

TIP: Don’t hang around empty bars; they can be especially depressing during the season. Go somewhere with action, so you can get in on it!  You need options.

6. Holiday Shame Spiral: Don’t go looking for a New Year’s date that puts the X in Xmas. If it happens, that’s cool. But don’t lay your “I’m spending this whole holiday season alone”-shtick on the table until someone you meet gets to know you well enough to even ask you out for that oh-so-special night.

TIP: This rule is about fishing for invitations from people you’re seducing. Friends are totally fair game, so make some plans to be with your pals … at least, you’ll have back-up.