Politics
More PoliticsWhat If McCain and Palin Won?
by Matt Latimer
Matt Latimer is the author of the New York Times bestseller, SPEECH-LESS: Tales of a White House Survivor. He was deputy director of speechwriting for George W. Bush and chief speechwriter for Donald Rumsfeld.
Call it Obama’s Wonderful Life. Ex-Bush aide Matt Latimer imagines what would have happened if the Republican ticket had taken the White House in 2008—and where the world would be now.
It is almost Christmas. A morose Barack Obama, believing his presidency has no meaning, wanders the White House. He looks again at the crumpled Nov. 14th Washington Post op-ed that he keeps in his pocket and just cannot throw away. The article, penned by former Clinton aides, urges Obama not to seek reelection in 2012. They make this appeal not so that Hillary can run in his place—selfish motivations are notoriously taboo in Clintonworld—but strictly out of a sincere belief that a failed one-term presidency is in Obama's best interest.
“Should I take their advice?" Obama asks himself, as he leans over the Truman Balcony and looks at the White House grounds below. “Should I commit political suicide? Have I done any good for anyone?”
A television materializes before them, and MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann appears on screen.
“I don’t believe it,” Obama gasps. “MSNBC is still on the air, even without me?”
“Yes, and doing better than ever,” the angel responds. “Watch and learn.”
“Good evening,” Keith Olbermann says. “It is December 17, 2010, and this is MSNBC, the No. 1 channel in cable news. Now to our top stories...
“President John McCain is pledging to move quickly to fill the vacancy left by Sarah Palin's stunning announcement last week that she would not complete her term as vice president of the United States. Denying widespread reports that she and the president are no longer on speaking terms, Vice President Palin, who communicates with the press only through Twitter, tweeted that the overwhelming press scrutiny “from the lamestream media” and actress Tina Fey were making it “darn tootin' impossible to do this here job.” Already reports are surfacing that Mrs. Palin has signed with a Washington super-agent for a two-part book deal. She is also making preliminary steps to seek a job that she feels will have less press scrutiny: the presidency of the United States.
“Meanwhile Republicans are urging the Democratic-controlled Senate to promptly confirm McCain's chosen replacement for Palin: Guam Governor Felix Camacho, whom the president met briefly at a White House reception last year. Mr. Camacho, whose name the president initially mispronounced, is a newcomer on the national political scene but is highly touted by Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol.
“In other White House news, McCain aides are working feverishly to explain the president's latest reversal, this time on support for an extension of Bush-era tax cuts. McCain, who earlier this month said that the tax cuts he opposed in 2000 were essential for a struggling economy, puzzled reporters yesterday by saying he would not support their extension after all and in fact had never supported it. The tax cut issue is but the latest McCain flip-flop. Last year the Arizonan, whose approval rating has had a slight uptick, to 23 percent, denied that he had ever supported Democratic legislation on health-care reform, global warming, and immigration, calling photographic evidence of his collaborations with leading Senate Democrats 'an obvious and easily proven smear job by the far right, far left, or both.' "
“White House spokesperson Dana Perino, asked to comment on the flip-flops that have earned McCain the sobriquet ‘President Mood Ring,’ told reporters that, 'Despite the naysayers and cut and run crowd, we are proud that there has not been another terrorist attack on our soil.' Republican National Committee Chairman Lindsey Graham also invoked 9/11 and praised McCain's inconsistencies as 'another sign that the Mac is back.' "
Keith Bedford, Bloomberg News / Getty Images
“More WikiLeaks controversy today after top-secret documents revealed that U.S. Secretary of State Joe the Plumber once stunned Saudi Arabia’s Prince Bandar by telling him during a meeting that quote, ‘I learned so much about your country from watching 'M*A*S*H.’ Secretary Plumber responded to the story by saying he misspoke. He actually had been thinking of Hogan’s Heroes.
“President John McCain is pledging to move quickly to fill the vacancy left by Sarah Palin's stunning announcement last week that she would not complete her term as vice president of the United States.
“Also on the foreign front, President McCain is preparing to send another so-called surge of U.S. forces into Iraq in response to the Iraqi parliament’s failure to include ‘In God we Trust’ on all Iraqi currency. ‘They’re going to do it our way whether they like it or not,’ McCain vowed. ‘Otherwise the terrorists win.’ "
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MarkInSavannah
Sorry......was this suppose to be funny? Oh that's right......another (not) liberal columnist attempting to imply that if we had McCain, we'd be in a lot more trouble.
redsunriseman1
hey you got the punch line !
grace44
Gosh is that the problem because it seemed to me he was bashing my President again.
rightofrush
Surely YOU dont get paid to write this stuff? But just in case you do, please direct me to the source that accepts and pays for these articles, will be more than happy to write SHIT like this and get paid also. ONLY IN AMERICA
Maezeppa
Ha ha. There's no asshole like a bitter asshole.
teabaggingforjesus
We would have the Christian theocracy that we would so justly have deserved (we would have been only one heart beat away).
And then:
1. The gay menace would have been put down
2. There would be a lot less poor people (not a financial upswing, just a free market health plan or survival of the fittest as they say in biology class)
3. Last but not least, no black RNC chairman
desertcynic
'Bitter asshole' is redundant.
possumdearie
Bitter asshole, bitter clinger. Surely what you really meant.
We are to assume that the White House would send a team of lawyers to DC and file multiple frivolous ethics charges through deadbeat bloggers against the Vice President? That is why Palin resigned.
TB4J, DADT was policy enacted under Clinton. I know you Stalinists are unwavering in your loyalty, but would Hillary Clinton as President be the same as installing the Ayatollah? Really, you are ridiculous.
Dontmakemelaugh
Good grief the parody of what they might do is not nearly as frightening as what they promised to do:
A healthcare plan that cost nearly 50% more than Obamacare.
Deficits even larger than Obama's
Wikileaks revelations that we don't talk to foreigners and have no foreign policy
Economic policy based on the belief: "the economy is basically sound"
And the herd of fake conservatives rationalizing and defending more big government business as usual.
redsunriseman1
You know after the right wing crippled the million of jobs holders in America which also took away their health insurance. Had it not been for Obama care these people would be dieing in our streets . While the Republicans complained about the cost of recovering the bodies ,and disposal of them. Since the only big Government the right wing likes is the kind that helps big business and screws the middle class it is no surprise that all the social services we need our tax money to go for is just now seeing the light of day and it scares the right to think they are helping average American instead of corporate CEO's
Dontmakemelaugh
The government insurance schemes while well intentioned don't address the fundamental problem--our health care system is based on a failed business model and is unsustainable. We cannot afford to spend twice what every other nation spends on health care (and rising) as a percent of total GDP. The only question is how bad will things get until the dysfunctional system is replaced by something affordable. This may well include the elimination of insurance middlemen, private or government, altogether.
Breathe
Mustn't forget Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb BOMB IRAN!!!
grace44
It would be so much worse. Uneducated papa palin helping with the decision making....
Dr_SwampGas
Here's a satire I'd like to write: a Palin-like Leader comes to power in 2012, when the economy is finally and totally in the tank. Picture her as a feral creature with all kinds of animal-head trophies on the walls of her underground Bunker.
Talk about going from Zero to Nero....
I claim royalties on this idea. If any publishers want to contact me, you know where I am--at some undisclosed location south of the border.
zapzinger
Had John McCain & Gorgeous Gov. Sarah Palin won the 2008 election, the United States would be a stronger, more unified, prosperous, and respected country than at any time in our history.
Gwazdos
please have this mental patient returned to the hospital that let him out for Tea.
Dr_SwampGas
I think they zapped him with a few too many electric shock treatments.
Prometheus
There's always a "dumbest kid in the class." ZZ is it here.
donquijoterocket
Zap- I realize there are some concepts that are just too difficult for the simple-minded among us,but could you try to keep this one in whatever passes with you for a mind. Princess Polar Thighs is governor of nothing, perhaps not even her own fam damily.She quit halfway through her elected term to take up the ride wingnut welfare bought for her on the private jets, first-class hotels, and oh yes bendy straws too gravy train, otherwise known as the grifter express.
AS I said I know some of these concepts are quite difficult for your sort but I feel that with practice and attention you could master them and never again embarrass yourself in public.
Margot707
Go back on your meds. Your delusional again.
steveknows
Ignore your critics, zappy; you're a prophet without honor, and a whole lottta fun, too.
MTinMO
You are obviously so clueless, your brain must have been zapped and zinged. You know nothing about Paylin either. She is such a loser and she has the most irritating voice ever. I have hated her voice ever since I first heard it years ago on channel 2 as a "sports reporter". (She failed at that too.) Couple that with the mess she made of Wasilla (where I once lived) and the mess she left for Sean Parnell when he took over as Governor, she is the most failed politician in history. She is only good for reality shows, which she proves every time she speaks. The woman can't even hit the broad side of a barn and obviously had to have had a tame caribou standing there for her many shots she had to take before she finally hit that one. Any wild caribou would have ran after the first missed shot, and rightly so. A tame one wouldn't have known to be scared of people until it was hit.
This president has returned this country to one that can be respected because it is doing as it says others should do. If there is disrespect- it is coming from the far righters, not the world.
redsunriseman1
Yes and a Dictatorship with the first American Priestess ,and Pope for life Palin . We'd have hooded marches again down Washington Mall street yelling White Power again as in the 1930's. Blacks , and Brown skinned people would all have to sit in the back of the bus again and not allowed to enter the front doors of business or restaranunts , and we'd start imprisoning, journalist, women who sought abortions, gays, and political opponents against Mrs Palin . Christianity would be the National religion, and all laws would be rewrote to mirror the old testament . In short we would have become everything the founding father Hated and were against , a religious warranty with rulers who ruled by their belief that they and only they knew the will of God . We would have become the second Nazi like country since WWII. NO Thank you I'll take the Black Guy who is reasonable over the Demi God Palin and her burned out leader McCain any day
PamB12
Hey zap----'Respected country" ? You got a picture of Palin in her black biker bitch jacket, meeting dignataries and the military around the world? And openoing that loud, fingernails on chalkboard voice? You got a picture of senile, old man McCain winning any respect with his
bomb, bomb, bomb the world attitude? You my friend, are a perfect example of Those Misinformed Fox New viewers from that Report last week !
grace44
I am tossing my cookies at the thought.
TheMadRealist
If McCain and Palin would have won:
1. Juan McCain would have amnesty because he is naïve yet competent.
2. We would have draconian "global warming" legislation just for the sake of being "mavericky" that will waste billions that could have been used to solve real and immediate environmental issues.
3. We would have Romney style national healthcare that would be as bad as Obamacare.
4. The media wouldn't refer to any Palin misstatements as cute little "gaffes" as they do for Biden. No, it would all be spun as sheer incompetence.
5. The MSM would still be seen as credible since they didn't successfully throw the election. They wouldn't need their extreme arm so MSNBC would be allowed to disappear in the night.
6. The first black president will also be qualified for the job.
7. No one in the MSM would say anything negative about Wikileaks until yesterday when even the most naive realized Michael Moore is a complete tool.
7. Liberals will still be hate filled snarky asshats despite McCain being "mavericky" enough to give them everything they want minus the D in front of his name.
Prometheus
Yaaaawn. Boring.
Dr_SwampGas
We already got Romney Care, but it's just called Obama Care. It reminds of the "We Care" buttons all of us serfs had to wear on our lapels back when I was a young 'en working some crappo job.
steveknows
And you're a realist, huh? Or just mad? And bitter.
nedmadden
All mad, minimal realist because your "hate filled snarky asshats" aren't fair-minded, justice seeking liberals you try to defame. Instead, they're the Tea Party proles and the rad retro regressive Repugs typified by McCain & Palin.
grace44
Hands off my Obamacare! Seriously. Saving me money as we speak. Premiums dropped because 80% has to go to healthcare and because they cannot charge women more than men. Those are just a few things I am ecstatic over.
PamB12
RightRush-----Proof that this article is so close to home, the Truth hurts!
heehee.
I have read many an analyst, experts, economist reviews, that all say 'as bad as things are under Obama, that under another year of bush like policies under McCain, we would be much much worse. And as for Palin, who hear does not believe that she would quit, when she realized that she was hired strictly to get the Religious Rightie vote, but she had to then stay in her little office, and live in a smaller house?
grace44
Forward me the address as well. Big money to be made!
SCfromNY
The only question I have is who is more inbred: the author who produced this steaming pile of dog excrement, or the editor who decided to let it get put on the site?
JimBob
Similar to what's on Fox.
Gwazdos
excellent JimBob.
TOMMcG
Nobody with views as extreme as yours could remotely imagine anything clever, witty, smart or ironic or anything even close to what Latimer wrote above. Don't spend the money yet.
ronald64
Except you already share your "SHIT" with us for free. Don't you believe in Christmas?
MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO HO HO!
donquijoterocket
And in present-day murka tends to run afoul of Poe's Law
Similar to Murphy's Law, Poe's Law concerns internet debates, particularly regarding religion or politics.
"Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won't mistake for the real thing."
In other words, No matter how bizarre, outrageous, or just plain idiotic a parody of a Fundamentalist may seem, there will always be someone who cannot tell that it is a parody, having seen similar REAL ideas from real religious/political Fundamentalists.
steveknows
That, and they all lack a sense of irony to begin with.
steveknows
Share, or inflict?
whipmawhopma
Satire. Always problematic.
Southpaw
& always boring.
Dr_SwampGas
You never read Mark Twain, Kurt Vonnegut or Nathaniel West, did you?
desertcynic
Swampgas: South anything is still learning how to sound out the letters. Reading would make him a pariah where he's from.
whipmawhopma
Southpaw - No, not always boring. Parts of Latimer's material was funny. Put enough exaggerated truth in a satire piece and it can turn out to be funny. Unless it's all true, amazingly so, and yet still seems like satire, in which case it's about Russia.
I've never actually read Twain, but rather about Twain, and I have no idea who West is, but Dr_SwampGas is right about Vonnegut, though I think the best ever satire, here in America, was to be found in the National Lampoon in the 1980's.
But satire here is always a problem. Some people simply don't get it. Either they take it seriously (literally) or have a sense of humor that doesn't have the ability to laugh at oneself.
steveknows
@swampy
Real men don't read
Master of Muppets
Latimer is wiishing McCain had won because he wouldn't have to admit that the republicans were right about how inept, unqualified and in over his head obama is. He wouldn't be up at night drinking in tears because this administration set liberalism, and the democratic party years. Also, the rest of America wouldn't be suffering from the near death it has over the last two years and the trillions in new debt. Thanks obama and the liberal media for refusing to do their job and vet this nimcompoop properly....
Dr_SwampGas
The real death will come over the next two years, as the Depression gets worse while the government will be incapable of doing anything about it.
Gwazdos
Give thanks to the Republican party of NO for all the damage they have done to our Country for the betterment of their own pocket!!
Master of Muppets
poor gwaz, nothing but media matters talking points... ignoring that the Dems with the rinos made up the biggest one sided congress in decades yet couldn't even produce a budget nevermind push their unpopular agenda through. He can't recall how in order to get the few pieces of shit legislations that they did pass they had to lay out sooooo much pork to get the dems on board that they added billions to these bills.... kind of like the pork chop michelle hangs around obama's neck to get the labradoodle to pose for thier photo ops.....
whipmawhopma
Dr_SwampGas - I think you're wrong, but only in the sense that what will happen is the remainder of the economic implosion will finish out once the last of the stimulus and the 'tax deal' stimulus are both spent out, and unemployment without unemployment benefits kicks in for a couple million fellow Americans.
Tara Servatius has an interesting article in Creative Loafing about why this is so...
http://charlotte.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/why_double_digit_unemploym ent_may_be_here_to_stay/Content?oid=1129119
steveknows
I agree. The economy knew, in 07, that it was going to collapse, warned the GOP to let Obama win, and then blame him for all of it. Yeahh, it all fits together like pieces in a puzzle. Also, I admire your remarkable ability to read Latimer's mind, all the more remarkable considering that your own mind is awol.
grace44
What show are you watching. Obama is doing a superb job. Bush was a disaster that we won't soon forget. Remember!!!
liberalisnotadirtyword
hee-hee, President Mood Ring. C'mon neo-cons, that was funny!!
floridabob
That is funny! Had he won, there undoubtedly be Fed assistance for some drugs, like donepezil hydrochloride or rivastigmine.
Toyzinmyattik
Oh C'mon boys and girls......It's all in fun and I'll bet that if a moderate consrvative like myself can belly laugh at a writers attempt at humor, that I am not the only one. Must everyone be so serious as we near the end of a really tough yaer!?
Magwah
Hey come on, that WAS funny! Can you honestly imagine Obama thinking about anyone other than himself? That is satire at it's best.
grace44
That would be you. Projection. Look itmup.
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
Dr_SwampGas
I suspect that if John McCain didn't die in office of natural causes or go too obviously senile, then he might have gotten a very bad headache like JFK. I fear that Palin and the people backing her are capable of anything, and that she is a potential Hitler. She might come to power only if people get frightened and desperate enough to vote for anything.
Gwazdos
McCain is already senile, long time now!!
greenback
I do know the Left is scared pantless of Palin.The upshot of the Nov. '10 elections is that...we are going to be watching our Elected officials! WE will have the transparency we were promised 2 yrs ago. Obama's victory was smoke and mirrors and slogans and commercials featuring your favorite pop celebs, with just a touch of "If you vote against Him you are a racist!"
grace44
Hatred is blinding. Really. You believe that nonsense?
grace44
Half the country believes in Adam and eve. We're sunk...
Dr_SwampGas
That part about Don Rickles being more likable than Hillary Clinton was good, and all too true.
grace44
I could never understand why people thought he was funny? Tick.
tumbleweed
I don't need Matt Latimers parody about what would have happened. McCain had the same failed policies as Bush and every other Republican for decades. The whole country would have collapsed, we would be at war with Iran, Christianity would be in power forcing religion down our throats, even more jobs would have went overseas and any one of numerous Republican creations. Even less would get done while McCain and Palin sat on their thrones like Bush did and didn't realize there was a problem! I made the only decision when I voted that could be made by a sane rational person. I will make the same decision in 2012. An inexperienced person is better than handing what was left of the collapsing economy to yet another myopic Republican with voodoo economic policies. Who are to dumb to realize if people don't make a decent wage they don't buy and the economy goes into a tailspin.
possumdearie
Obama has the same failed policies as Bush, and he had a majority in both houses till everyone realized how bad he sucks.
grace44
The issues are far too complex for you brain. Give it a rest and try again Tomorrow.....Kennedy, super majority, both houses passing stuff to become law, most filibusters ever, quiz next week.
Thank you.
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