One Man's Quest to Not Watch Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman Make Out

I'll acknowledge that the thought of temporarily deviating course did pop into my head. Now, do I think Google is purposely trying to distract me from my reporting duties, which, while not reaching the journalistic import of Woodward & Bernstein, are less base and sophomoric than a trip down Smutty Lesbian-Kiss Road (leads to Gratuitous Movie Boobage Lane)?

Google, which is the way most of us search for information, is like walking into Wal-Mart, where the first thing you see are displays of candy, followed by a Dunkin Donuts glowing in the background. (Hey, I came in for a cordless grass shear.) Bam! Just like that you're in the pricker bush. Same applies to the internet. You go looking for one thing and wouldn't you know it -- you find something far more vulgar and academically reprehensible.

Which is not to say that we don't have the power to resist falling prey to the siren call of cool, stupid s**t with no redeeming value, but why is the system set up so that you have to? The gauntlet of "Mila Kunis & Natalie Portman Hot Kiss" entries one has to pass before reaching actual links about the movie is mind-boggling. I estimated about 98% of the first 200 Google entries were solely about their sex scene. For the love of sanity, the headline "Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis used tequila to shoot sex scene" was followed by a link to NPR. That's National Public Radio, people.

If NPR can't insulate me from the cultural bile than who in the name of Juan Williams can?

Around the 200 entry mark, we get a momentary break from the endless "Natalie and Mila Lock Lips" reports because there's one blogger who is more interested in their other connection -- "Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis -- The Pride of the Jews."

The point is simply this: that with Google Instant, the search engine behemoth is, indeed, "pushing the limits of our technology and infrastructure to help you get better search results, faster." But they are also "pushing the limits of your moral and intellectual resolve to find out how mentally and spiritually undisciplined you are."

Now, if you'll excuse me I have a steamy girl-on-girl scene involving two of the most crush-worthy actresses of our generation to actively avoid?

Thanks, Internet.

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