Premier League
| Manchester United 3 |
|
|---|---|
| West Ham United 0 |
Preamble: I think we all have an idea about which way this one will go, don't we? West Ham, a side still seeking an identity under new coach Avram Grant, have lost two out of two in the league this season and fudged their way past League Two side Oxford in the Carling Cup thanks to a 90th-minute winner. United cruised past Chelsea in the Community Shield and then Newcastle on the opening day of the Premier League season before coming slightly unstuck against Fulham last weekend. Still, West Ham haven't scored against United – let alone picked up a point – since 2008 (quite a memorable one, though) and with Wayne Rooney in need of a goal after some 18 misfiring hours (ah, England v Algeria – the memories), Robert Green is second only to Chris Kirkland as the keeper most strikers would like to face right now.
Then again, not many people were predicting a Wigan clean sheet at Spurs today. And West Ham have won three times at Old Trafford in the last 10 years. "Football? Bloody hell!" I believe is the expression.
Predictions? Oh go on, then: Manchester United 4-0 West Ham. They don't have a cat in a bin's chance.
Scenes the like of which we wont see again today but which may provide some small solace for Hammers fans.
And another one, from the FA Cup in 2001.
This evening's men:
Man Utd: Van der Sar, O'Shea, Vidic, Jonathan Evans, Evra, Nani, Scholes, Fletcher, Giggs, Rooney, Berbatov.
Subs: Kuszczak, Owen, Smalling, Hernandez, Carrick, Rafael Da Silva, Valencia.
West Ham: Green, Spector, Gabbidon, Upson, Ilunga, Faubert, Noble, Parker, Boa Morte, Dyer, Cole.
Subs: Stech, Barrera, Kovac, McCarthy, da Costa, Stanislas, Piquionne.
Referee: Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear)
5.15pm: West Ham manager Avram Grant says his team have switched formations to one they tried during pre-season, which looks like a pretty orthodox 4-5-1, such as they are these days. Jon Spector lines up at right back, with Julien Faubert pushed into midfield – where he actually plays. Luis Boa Morte also comes in to the midfield, with Frederic Picquionne and Pablo Barrera the players to make way. "The team came with a positive attitude," says Grant. "They know that Man United are a big team but we can perform well." If West Ham lose today, it will mean their worst start to a season since 1977.
5.20pm: For United, Antonio Valencia, Park Ji-sung and Javier Hernandez are rotated out and in come Nani, Ryan Giggs and Rooney. Paul Scholes will be showing deep-lying playmakers the world over how to play the deep-lying playmaker role. "Obviously we're happy that Wayne's back. He's trained all week and he's ready to play," SAF didn't tell the BBC.
An unrelated point: On an unrelated point, I'm going to go an see Scott Pilgrim vs the World after finishing up, so I'll throw this out there ... Michael Cera – this best comic actor going right now.
Are you listening, Paul the octopus? "Bet the lads aren't still laughing after Barry said he fancied Wigan to get something away at Spurs," email Luis. "Barry the psychic Irishman anyone?" Let's just hope Barry put his money where his mouth was, or the funk could be on Chez Glendenning.
Peep! Shall we? Let's ...
1 min: West Ham retain the ball for the first 45 seconds, which I think qualifies as a bright start by their standards.
3 min: So, the visitors are lined up with a five across the middle, Kieron Dyer on the left and Julien Faubert on the right and Carlton Cole mooching around the final third on his own. So far they've oscillated between nice short passing and clumsily giving the ball away.
4 min: Patrice Evra tricks his way past Faubert and Spector on the United left through a combination of luck and skill but his cross is behind the United players gathering in the box.
5 min: Dyer then very nearly does a similar thing at the other end but then lets the ball dribble away from him rather than, y'know, kick it.
7 min: Could be a long evening for Carlton Cole. He can't quite get on the end of Faubert's square ball and Nemanja Vidic clears. West Ham actually have made a bright start, as opposed to a 'bright start'.
9 min: Dimitar Berbatov is flagged offside after some gentle probing by United. The home side seem very relaxed, as if they might try and stroke West Ham into submission today. "Michael Cera is the spit of a young Arsene Wenger," suggest Ben Stanley. There's a comedy film in that, possibly involving the frequent mislaying of spectacles." Wenger's team could probably teach Cera a thing or two about Arrested Development, too.
10 min: Berbatov finds Rooney some 30 yards out and the Scouse lad drifts across the box before finding enough space for a right-footed shot. It was straight at Green but, well, then so was Clint Dempsey's effort. This one stays out.
12 min: The visitors are plying a nice line in unambitioug knocking-it-about as I type. Not really going towards the United goal but, hey. Berbatov again tees up Rooney, heading a cross into his strike partner's path but Rooney sort of shins it into the floor and it's cleared. I have a feeling I may write a few versions of that sentence over the next 75 minutes.
14 min: Nani boings-boings on his tip-toes on the right knocking the ball back to John O'Shea. His cross finds Berbatov but he's in no sort of position to head it and ball drops safely to Green. It's bucketing down at Old Trafford.
15 min: Benjamin Hendy demands the stage: "I, too, am off to see Scott Pilgrim this evening, though I have to say that Michael Cera is the only thing about the film that I don't care for going in. He was brilliant in Arrested Development as George Michael Bluth, but since then he's played George Michael Bluth in Superbad, Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist, Juno and a few other things I can't really remember. The point being, he's not a gifted comic talent, he's a one note actor. Or he is at the moment anyway. He would be well advised to try his hand at something that requires him to broaden his range. Although, perhaps SCvTW does that. I trust Edgar Wright implicitly, and eveyrthing I have heard says the movie is great, but I'm kinda bored of Michael Cera." But he hits thats note pretty sweetly, doesn't he Ben?
17 min: Nani is fould on the edge of the West Ham box and the Portuguese then dusts himself off to take the free-kick. It's a decent effort but doesn't come down enough to trouble the goalkeeper.
19 min: Mark Noble has his particulars taken down by Mark Clattenburg for a foul on Wayne Rooney. United still yet to really land a punch on the Hammers.
20 min: Nani, who's seeing quite a bit of the ball so far, shoulders Faubert off it but plops his cross straight into a grateful Green's arms. A bit damp and squibby so far, this one.
22 min: Kieron Dyer, eh. I feel quite nostalgic watching him scamper around. Charles Robinson perhaps feels slightly differently: "Chris Waddle says of Dyer that 'he's got legs and can run all day'! If this is a reference to Kieran, then God help us."
24 min: Nani thumps a shot into the bar! Actually it was a very good save from Green ... Berbatov had knocked the ball back into Nani's path on the left, around 20 yards out, and Nani rifled an effort which Green did really well to flip onto the underside of the bar. Closest we've come to a goal.
26 min: Wayne Rooney has a bad touch. Wayne Rooney has a good touch which comes to nothing. Wayne Rooney may or may not score a hat-trick today. What do I know?
27 min: Nemanja Vidic slides in on Carlton Cole in the area but takes the ball cleanyl. He also appears to have injured Cole in the process ...
29 min: Cole goes off for a bid of treatment. Here's Hugh Collins in support of the thesis we are debating: Michael Cera – one of earth's great comedians. "Cera may only hit one note, but goddamn George Michael Bluth is funny. If anything in this Scott Pilgrim movie is half as amusing as the mayonegg, then it's worth watching."
31 min: This game is so low key it's practically under the doormat. Hang on ...
PENALTY to Manchester United! Spector brings down Giggs in the area and, well, you know what happens next.
GOAL! Manchester United 1-0 West Ham (Wayne Rooney 33) Hat-trick, anyone? Rooney breaks the longest goal drought of his career by planting the ball roughly down the middle, with Green diving to his right. It was definitely a B- as far as penalties go but I doubt he cares about that.
35 min: West Ham's gameplan, which seems to involve never venturing beyond the second third of the pitch and hoping Rooney remained in form, so to speak, might need to tweak things. Gabbidon bundles the ball out for a corner and United come forward again.
36 min: Two emails that neatly intersect: "I would argue that Michael Cera is the best Michael Cera comic actor working right now, I love the boy but it's rarely a stretch," says Alex Hynes. "I think given the right material the criminally underused David Krumholtz could give him a run. Also Jason Bateman and Will Arnett the other Bluths would give him a run too. Now back to laughing at the Wigan result." And here's Greg Scully on that Wigan upset, as mentioned earlier: "Seems to me that even if Baz forgot to place the necessary handicap bet, Michael Cera could tell him there's always money in the Banana Stand. Or the Spud Stop, as we call it in Ireland."
38 min: I think Dyer just had a decent run down the left but without supplying an end product but I can't swear to it.
39 min: Darren Fletcher lays the ball into Rooney and his pass into Nani's path is weighted just right. The Portuguese had come off his wing but miscontrolled and West Ham clear ...
40 min: Rob Green then pulls out a top drawer save to deny Fletcher, who really spanked one from 25 yards or so out. Right in the top corner, that was going.
42 min: Faubert and Spector – who could quite easily be a bumbling, comedy detective duo (perhaps with Michael Cera playing an existentially bemused Spector) – make a rod for their own backs again down in the right-back area but get lucky with the ball eventually coming off Patrice Evra for a goalkick.
43 min: West Ham are then gently prised apart again by the home side and Berbatov gets two bits at it, first lashing a volley into Danny Gabbidon and then skewing the ball over after the rebound fell to him.
45 min: Mark Noble nearly slips Wayne Rooney through one on one. Yes, you did read that right. Gabbidon averts disaster.
45+1 min: Beautiful pass from Giggs, banana splits the West Ham backline and sets Nani rushing through on Green's goal. His first touch is okay but he then gets under an attempted lob and sends the chance some way over ... What a ball from Giggs, though.
Peep! Peep! That's it, United are sitting pretty at the break. I don't think West Ham have had a shot.
Half-time emails. Get them while they're hot.
For those who enjoy Spurs' misery, I present Oliver Dennis. "Surely the Wigan result was a cunning plan to lull Inter Milan into complacency?" That Redknapp, he is a cunning one. Two points from eight games, if I recall ...
I think we're going to create the Cera urtext this evening. Christopher Price has been stroking his chin. "I would argue Michael Cera that he doesn't play George Michael Bluth as much as he plays variations of a Michael Cera persona. I think he is gifted in playing himself and using the various nuances of oblivious and awkward that are part of his persona in the same way Jack Nicholson has in playing psychologically unhinged. All the great actors of the old school simply played variations of themselves. Bogart or Jimmy Stewart are cast and the filmmakers don't have to worry themselves about writing pages of tedious backstory. The only actor I care for who obsessively "disappears" into roles is Daniel Day Lewis, who always plays Daniel Day Lewis after a psychotic break and decides he's Napoleon. I guess I'm agreeing with you, and that Cera is a sort of indie rock Woody Allen.
"He also has the frame and hair of a 1970s footballer.
"That was far more than I was wanting to write.
"P.S. There is another fight you could start. British Office vs Arrested Development--which is superior? I would go with AD any day of the week." I might go with you there, Christopher. It's so tightly plotted. I'm sure the Office diehards will accept defeat quietly.
"Michael Cera as Jonathon Spector?" says Greg Scully. "Only if Vincent Cassel plays Faubert ..." Deal.
And here's Bret LaGree with a video I don't have the time to watch now but which I'm sure we can all enjoy later. "He may not be asked to stretch himself much by others, but he wrote a pretty good part for himself in 'Clark and Michael' a couple years ago that showed a greater range."
Peep! Peep! West Ham, still playing in white with light blue shorts, kick off the second half. Can the Hammers find something in the tank and save themselves from propping up the table this evening?
46 min: No changes for either side, by the way. Thoughts on how to gee West Ham up? We don't just have to talk about awkward American character actors. How about bringing on Benni McCarthy (stop smirking at the back)?
48 min: Some hope: the last team to come from behind and win against United? West Ham! So says Jon Champion in the ESPN commentary box. Then this happens ...
GOAL! Manchester United 2-0 West Ham (Nani 49) Now that was a clinical strike and Nani has put the lid on it as far as West Ham's hopes of getting a point, I fear. Rooney picked up the ball in the centre of the pitch and fed Nani who had again come in off the right flank. Nani drove at the West Ham penalty area, feinted, left Danny Gabbidon on his backside and then hammered a left-footed shot past Green from the edge of the box.
51 min: Kieron Dyer pirouettes neatly in the area but he's eventually chased out by Nemanja Vidic. Alongside Scott Parker, he's probably been West Ham's best player, Dyer. Not that that's saying much.
52 min: A gorgeous passing move involving Rooney then Nani, leading to a Berbatov backheel sets Rooney running through another yawning hole in the backline – but Gabbidon slides in brilliantly to deny the England striker.
54 min: Dyer hits the outside of the post! It would have taken some effort to beat Van der Sar but it was a decent move from West Ham, culminating in Faubert backheeling the ball into Dyer's path after he'd gone over to the right. He curled a shot that had Van der Sar at full stretch – but it thunked against the outside of the post and away for a goalkick.
57 min: A very good question from Martin: "Is Keiron Dyer good again or are the rest of the West Ham team THAT bad?" I'm afraid that's beyond my ken, Mart, but I think the latter is more probable.
59 min: West Ham are struggling here, they just don't seem to be able to exert any pressure on United. Pablo Barrera, the Hammers' Mexican winger, is warming up.
60 min: United again slice and dice West Ham with some neat interplay but Berbatov's final ball is too far ahead of Rooney and Gabbidon shepherds it away.
61 min: Avram Grant gets out his big hook and yanks off Julien Faubert, sending on Barrera to track fruitlessly up and down the right wing.
62 min: Paul Scholes pops up again in the Scholes slot and hammers a low, Scholes-like effort at goal ... but it's straight down Green's throat again.
64 min: United balls up a short corner routine before Giggs, Scholes and Evra indulge in some exhibition stuff. Nani's cutback is then this far short of providing Scholes with a free shot about 10 yards out. Gabbidon once again threw himself into the breach.
66 min: Giggs has a go at scoring from the byline on the right after Luis Boa Morte had conceded the set piece with a needless foul on someone or other. Selfish, says Champion, but who isn't these days? "I cannot believe that Larry David hasn't been mentioned in all this. He is the king of comedy," blurts Kevin O'Conner. "'Michael Cera is the indie rock Woody Allen'!!!!!!!!! That's a pretty outrageous statement. He's more Hugh Grant than Woody Allen."
GOAL! Manchester United 3-0 West Ham (Dimitar Berbatov 68) All over, is this one. O'Shea plays a square ball into Nani's feet inside the area on the right and his clipped cross to the back post is acrobatically volleyed past a helpless Green by Berba. Top finish from the Bulgarian and United are coasting.
70 min: Scott Parker, Scott Parker, Scott Parker. "Scott Parker," echoes Jonny Mac. "You say he's been one of West Ham's better players today but, apart from being listed in the team sheet and in the sentence which you make that claim, he's not had a mention. Is Scott Parker another one of those "He's-the-best-player-in-a-very-very-poor-team" type of players? You're going to mention him in the next five minutes now aren't you?" Well, when I said best, I meant in a least inept sort of sense. Let's not dwell on his pain.
73 min: "West Ham? More like Really Bad Team," thanks for turning up, Josh Gerrard. It's more than Avram Grant's side have done today. On this evidence, the Hammers really will have to wait until October for their first points. Their next three fixtures: Chelsea (h), Stoke (a), Tottenham (h).
75 min: United bring on a trio of subsitutes in Chris Smalling, Michael Carrick and Michael Owen. Jonny Evans, Scholes and Berba depart. Kieron Dyer, who Hugh Collins has just suggested "barely qualifies as a full-time player", also clocks off for the day and on comes Frederic Picquionne.
77 min: This sounds like a good programme. "I'm watching the match from the US and the channel showing it keeps showing ads for an upcoming 'Live Soccer Talk, with Susan Sarandon'. No, really." The fantastically named Snorri Matthíasson with that nugget.
79 min: The players are still gamely running around on the pitch but it's just for show. I think a team of Michael Ceras might have put up more opposition than West Ham.
81 min: Parker, for indeed it was he, screws a shot wide after cutting inside Chris Smalling. "When did it become fashionable for football commentators to talk like Yoda?" asks Sean Hashegen. "I've noticed Tyldesley and co doing it on the telly, and now you're at it too. For example: 'Right in the top corner, that was going.' 40 mins. 'All over, is this one.' 68 mins. What's going on?" Allow me my affectations, please, Sean. Understand one day, you will.
83 min: Rooney plays in Giggs on the right but his shot is squeezed out for a corner. One more United goal and I am officially up there with Barry and the octopus in the prediction stakes.
86 min: Carrick takes one on the back of the head for the cause, blocking a shot from [West Ham player]. Does that count as an attempt on target? Probably not. A lot of teams are going to come to Old Trafford and not pick up any points this season but I'd be plenty worried if I was a West Ham fan on this evidence.
88 min: Nani rumbas his way through before unleashing a shot which loops off a defender for a corner. Chris Smalling then very nearly backheels in a fourth for United from the resultant set-piece.
89 min: A save! A save for Edwin van der Sar! Send out the word because West Ham have hit the target. No, it didn't stand a chance of going in, as it was from a tight angle on the right of the box and straight at the keeper – but let's credit Picquionne for at least getting the basics of shooting right.
90 min: Could this be the game changer? (Answer: no). Junior Stanislas is sent on in place of Boa Morte.
90+1 min: "Bit naughty that," harrumphs Jenny. "The Guardian Premier League table was already showing United's win and West Ham's defeat with a full 10 minutes of the game left! In a rush to get to the pub?" You could have stuck those points up on the board before kick-off, Jenny, it was that nailed on.
Peep! Peep! Peepity-peep! Avram Grant can go and have a lie down, possibly on a chaise longue with a bespectacled man to tell his dreams to. That was a walk in the proverbial municipal green space for United. West Ham are bottom with zero points and a goal difference of -8. Stoke, the only other winless team in the division, are West Ham's opponents in two games' time, a fixture that already takes on a looming significance. United ran through the gears smoothly enough – they're back up to third. I'm going to follow the comedy stylings of watching West Ham defend with a trip to see Scott Pilgrim. Thanks for all your emails ... Bye.