The draw begins at 5pm ... or thereabouts. And probably ends some time after 9pm. Here are the rules, with the bits that are either too complicated or boring to explain presented in convenient Let Somebody Else Do It hyper-link form.
The 32 teams who have qualified are split into four pots depending on each club's Uefa coefficient. Every group will contain one team from each of the seeding pots, though no club can play a side from their own country and there are further procedures - which you can view here - determining the exact placing of each contender.
Pot 1
Internazionale
Barcelona
Manchester United
Chelsea
Arsenal
Bayern Munich
AC Milan
Lyon
Pot 2
Werder Bremen
Real Madrid
AS Roma
Shakhtar Donetsk
Benfica
Valencia
Marseille
Panathinaikos
Pot 3
Tottenham Hotspur
Rangers
Ajax
Schalke
Basel
Braga
Copenhagen
Spartak Moscow
Pot 4
Hapoel Tel Aviv
FC Twente
Rubin Kazan
Auxerre
CFR Cluj
FK Partizan
MSK Zilina
Bursaspor
4.35pm: After all their prepoterously over-the-top celebrations for finishing fourth in last year's Premier League, it was disappointing to see Tottenham qualify for the group stages, as this time yesterday, the sight of their players and fans wiping copious amounts of egg of face, was a far more amusing prospect than that of them getting landed in a group with Barcelona, Real Madrid and Germany. But they've qualified now and it's nice to see a new English team contesting group stages that can often verge on the interminably dull.
In the Sky Sports News studio: Simon Thomas in the chair, with guests Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink and Charlie Nicholas.
Kicking back over in Monaco: Richard Keys and Andy Gray.
4.45pm: "Holding off the challenge from Fenerbahçe last year, Bursaspor won the league for the first time last year - so exciting times ahead for them in the Champions League," writes Nazim Dikbas, who originally wrote in to correct my avant-garde spelling of "Buraspor". "They have already won their first two league games this season (one against Galatasaray in Istanbul, 2-0) and they have an intelligent and level-headed coach in Ertuğrul Sağlam. Wishing them all the best. I actually support Trabzonspor, so just two hours to go for another sensational home-win... fingers crossed." Sensational? You're only playing Liverpool, who are without Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres, among others, and about to buy Paul Konchesky. "Routine", would be the adjective I'd reach for.
4.48pm: "Shame it's football not scrabble," writes Gary Naylor. "The Pot Four cannon fodder would stand a chance then."
An interview with Jose Mourinho on Sky: "Me ... me ... me ... myself ... I ... me ... me ... for a team like Inter, year after year, out ... out ... out ... out ... out ... to reach that semi ... beat them at home ... scoring three goals ... playing against them in Barcelona with 10 men ... for me ... self- esteem ... me ... me ... me ... me."
4.51pm: "Re. Tottenham's qualification. That's quite the most charmless thing I've read on this site," sniffs David Payne, piercing the roof of his mouth on the barbed hook. "Not nice, not funny, and not accurate. Celebrating finishing 4th is entirely reasonable these days, and has been the established aim of the club for some time. Also, clearly we're not going to get a group with Real and Barça. They can't play each other. Expect better from you, frankly." That's me told. Imagine how outraged David would be if I'd done something really terrible, like put a cat in a bin.
4.56pm: Incidentally, David's wrong - Barcelona, being from a different country to Madrid, can of course be picked in the same group as them. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Jordan Hackney writes: "Do you think Richard Keys might have waxed the upper part of his chest to be able to get away with the no tie, open shirt approach?" he asks. "Also is there the possibility of seeing Nick Collins on the beach getting ice cream in his moustache or will he be backdropped by luxury yachts in a harbour? All in HD of course." I'm not sure what they're dragging all these hairy old has-beens out for when they could press Charlotte Jackson and Georgina Thompson into service. It's not as if they know any less about football and they're infinitely more pleasant on the eye.
Not long now: Sky have just cut to footage of a dark stage with nobody on it. That's always a good sign. It's the Champions League draw equivalent of their Footage Of An Open Door With Nobody Walking Through It that they use for the unveiling of a new manager at a particularly big club.
5pm: Hosts Melanie and Pedro take to the stage of the Grimaldi Forum and announce the grim news that the Champions League draw will be interspersed with guff pertaining to last season's Player of the Year. Don't make any plans. Always leave them wanting less - it should be the Uefa motto.
5.03pm: "Listen, Spurs fans are nothing if not realistic," writes Rob Kempton. "We're going to come second in our group and qualify, sack Redknapp (for only coming second), and Mourinho will take us to the final. Nuff said." I think there's a very good chance Spurs could win or come second in their group. Imagine those celebrations, with David Bentley leading from the front with a big barrel of ice-cold Cristal, despite having played no part in any of the matches.
5.05pm: Part one of the Uefa club footballer of the year, as voted by the managers of the 16 managers who reached the knockout stages of last year's tournament. Like I said, don't make any plans.
5.06pm: Barcelona legend Andoni Zubizarreta comes on to present the Club Goalkeeper of the Year Award. I worked with a niece of his once. Nice girl.
5.08pm: The Club Goalkeeper of the Year award goes, unsurprisingly, to Brazil's Julio Cesar. "What happened to the good old days of draws with Trevor Brooking and Peter Shilton picking the FA cup ties, dropping balls and then sucking their teeth and shaking their heads with wry smiles when they draw Man Utd v Leeds?" asks Matthew King. "All over and done with in 10 minutes with a bit of low-carb banter and they had 64 teams to handle. UEFA are rubbish. Imagine how they'd do a tombola at a school fete."
5.10pm: Julio thanks God for his award, which is good of him. "I'm always taken aback by comments such as those by David Payne, 4:51pm," writes JT Lawley. "What do people expect when they see your name at the top of the MBM? We all know you love football but hate everyone who plays it, commentates on it, watches it, organizes it, or has any other passing interest in it. I fully expect you to call me a bollocks for this, by the way, but isn't that the point?" I would never use such language in a minute-by-minute report. It's against Guardian policy and it's rude.
5.11pm: Gary Lineker takes to the stage to help them begin the draw. Will he make a joke about his resemblance to the trophy? Will he?
5.12pm: Surprisingly, no. Right, here we go ...
5.14pm: Sorry, I forgot they have to go through the usual nonnsense about fair play, irregular betting patterns and all that, before explaining the rules of the draw. Here's an email from Philip Genochio. "David Payne's email is quite the most witless thing I've read on this site," doing David a grave, grave injustice, considering some of the tripe I've contributed over the years. "And, unlike him, I've read a lot on here. Will you be putting him back once you've got the hook out of his mouth, or putting him out of our misery? As for Spurs qualifying for the group stages... I'm fully expecting the Italian, Spanish, German et al press to make a beeline to White Hart Line to learn more about these plucky underdogs. You know, in the same way you lot have been patting Blackpool on the head for the last few weeks. Expect stories about how, legend once has it, Spurs had a meagre two points from eight games a few season ago, yet here they are battling against the likes of Barca, Inter, Bayern etc."
Group A Inter, Werder Bremen, Tottenham Hotspur, FC Twente
Group B: Lyon, Benfica, Schalke, Hapoel Tel Aviv
Group C: Manchester United , Valencia, Rangers, Bursaspor
Group D: Barcelona, Panathinaikos, Copenhagen, FC Rubin Kazan
Group E: Bayern Munich, Roma, FC Basel, CFR Cluj
Group F: Chelsea, Marseille, Spartak Moscow, MSK Zilina
Group G: AC Milan, Real Madrid, Ajax, Auxerre
Group H: Arsenal, Shakhtar Donetsk, SC Braga, FK Partizan
5.23pm: Wow, what a rush. That's the first pot done with, a remarkably slow process. I'll continue adding the teams in that block there, but first it's time to dish out the award for Club Defender of the Season. Germany's Andreas Brehmer is doing the honours; I have never worked with his niece.
5.25pm: Again, no surprises. The winner is Maicon, from Inter. "Mention of Zubizarreta's niece reminds me that I went to school with his nephew, a charming fellow called Daniel Mar Molinero who wound up producing b-sides for singles from Gareth Gates second album," writes Ben Hendy. "I'm not sure if being a Spanish goalkeeper's nephew or having that career is the bigger claim to fame, frankly."
5.26pm: "Do you think Lineker looks a bit annoyed that he's just drawing letters and teams?" asks Jordan Hackney. "The complicated system here is slightly reminiscent of Alan Partridge's Soccer Metre from the day today.
5.28pm: "I'm not too worried about your comments regarding Spurs so far but if you dare to suggest we'll end up finishing 8th in our group after our inevitable decline midway through the competition I'll be very cross indeed," writes Adam Jones. Right, eyes down for more draw, it's off to pot No2.
More evidence that football started in 1992, writes Matthew King. "I've been reading today about how Spurs will be thrilled to finally entertain the big clubs of Europe at White Hart Lane like Real, Barca and Bayern Munich. What? Like the early-mid 1980s then?"
5.35pm: So, two pots down and two to go - the next one stars Tottenham Hotspur and Rangers. Time for some Club Midfielder Award action. Gianfranco Zola makes his way on stage to present the gong.
5.37pm: And in another sensational upset, the winner is ... Wesley Sneijder. "Can't they do all this in silly frocks and tight trousers like Eurovision?" inquires Gary Naylor. "All the managers could be lumped together in one big room with a roaming camera to catch Jose just as he sees RM drawn with Inter. Such an approach would be excellent outreach towards football's much ignored gay demographic, so it would tick a box too."
5.40pm: Hold on to your hats Spurs and Rangers fans. Your time has come ...
5.46pm: So, Tottenham are in with Werder Bremen, Inter and AN Other, while Rangers get Manchester United, Valencia and AN Other. Dust off those battle of Britain headlines. Mancunians will be reaching for their tin hats - remember what happened the last time Rangers visited Manchester in a European football competition? Yikes. They're lovely fans, mind. Just misunderstood.
5.49pm: Ole Gunnar Solskjær is introduced and crowns Diego Milito the Club Forward of the Year, making it a clean sweep for Inter players. Now for the final pot, then we can all get on with our lives.
Group A
Internazionale
Werder Bremen
Tottenham Hotspur
FC Twente
Group B
Lyon
Benfica
Schalke
Hapoel Tel-Aviv
Group C
Manchester United
Valencia
Rangers
Buraspor
Group D
Barcelona
Panathinaikos
Copenhagen
Rubin Kazan
Group E
Bayern Munich
Roma
FC Basel
CFR Cluj
Group F
Chelsea
Marseille
Spartak Moscow
MSK Zilina
Group G
AC Milan
Real Madrid
Ajax
Auxerre
Group H
Arsenal
Shakhtar Donetsk
SC Braga
FK Partizan
So now we know. There'll be an open thread up on our sport blog presently for those who want to bicker incessantly about net spends and whose team of billionaire-owned multi-millionaire mercenaries is better.
"What dull TV," notes Justin Kavanagh. "What a pity someone didn't grease the Goalkeeper of the Year Award before presentation. Or invite Jose Mourinho on for an interview only to ask him a longish question, and then cut him off, Dame Edna style, by saying 'Sorry Special One, but it seems we're out of time'."
6.05pm: "I'm sure you follow him anyway Barry, but apparently Tim Lovejoy tweeted earlier that he thought Spurs would end up in Chelsea's group," writes Max Dowler, between sniggers. "What a man he is." Well, um ... I'm sure he knew it was impossible. I did, after all, predict Spurs would be in the same group as Barcelona and Real Madrid.
6.10pm: "This might sound surprising, but I really think Arsenal have the toughest group out of all the top seeded english teams," writes Jamad, who'll surprise Charlie Nicholas, who couldn't disagree more. "Braga and Shakter play the same type of football Arsenal play and if they don't turn up I could see them going out. They will probably end up going through. Good draw for the english teams except for Spurs."
6.10pm: "Think yourself lucky as here in Saudi Arabia we have the combined wisdom of Scott Minto, Tim Sherwood and Iain (Mr Incredible) Dowie," writes Paul Muir. "I don't even have alcohol to numb the pain :("