Phil Mitchell has seen things you people wouldn't believe. Homeless men on fire inside Frank Butcher's car lot. He watched his own son dress up like Lady Gaga and sing a song about taking a ride on someone's disco stick. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. This is because Phil Mitchell is a crack addict now.
A spectacular one, too. In the latest of executive producer Bryan Kirkwood's efforts to be as jaw-droppingly incomprehensible as possible, the EastEnders stalwart has taken to crack with wild abandon. His drug scenes from Monday's episode – essentially performing the world's most uncanny impression of the dancing Ally McBeal baby, but with added whisky-swigging, shadow-boxing and visible appreciation of the Who circa 1966-1971 – may have prompted hundreds of complaints, but it has also captured the public's imagination like never before.
On Twitter, the term "Phil Mitchell" started to trend instantaneously. Some users called the scenes "disgusting", others "hilarious". One wag – @daniel_orton, if you're interested – suggested that the next series of Sherlock could only be improved if Phil Mitchell popped up to smoke crack at regular intervals. The online disappointment during Tuesday's episode – when Mitchell didn't even appear, let alone smoke any crack – was palpable. Fingers crossed that he's back in action tonight, or else there's a very real possibility that disgruntled viewers will start rioting.
Thanks to the undoubtedly controversial nature of the storyline, his addiction is bound to be short-lived. That said, it's already as iconic as Arthur Fowler's meltdown or Frank Butcher's spinny bowtie. So while it lasts, let's celebrate EastEnders for its bravery and actor Steve McFadden for his fearsome commitment. And besides, we've still got Phil Mitchell's harrowing cold turkey to look forward to.