I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT, OH LORD
In idle moments, the Fiver likes to ponder the big mysteries of life. Why was there only one Monopoly and Mergers Commission? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? If Fabio Capello wasn't Italian would he have been sacked by now? Now obviously it would be unfair to heap all the blame for England's entirely predictable and abject failure at the World Cup on the manager of a bunch of preening, self-regarding egomaniacs that are nigh on unmanageable. But it seems a bit ridiculous to the Fiver that he doesn't appear to have shipped any of it. If he was a successful English manager taking his baby steps in international management, you can be sure he'd have been bounced out of FA HQ and into the gutter by security a month ago.
Despite earning a wallet-busting £6m per year, the Italian has spent the weeks since the World Cup hiding behind his inability to speak very good English, failing to address pertinent questions about his dubious selection policy, poor World Cup preparations and use of a fussball table-rigid formation in South Africa, emerging only to mutter a half-hearted apology written by some FA PR flak, announce he doesn't know what to do next and invite England fans to get things off their tattooed-with-bulldogs chests by booing him and his players.
Tonight's encounter against Hungary will give them the opportunity to do exactly that, making it the first international friendly in football history to be even remotely worthwhile, even if you would have to question the sanity of the rumoured 60,000 weirdos rumoured to have paid actual money to attend it. "I'd like there to be no booing in this game at all but, if there is, I hope it's at us, the experienced players," said $tevie Mbe, his eyes moving from left to right under the cavernous furrow that is his forehead as he concentrated on the cue-card. "The fans have the right to boo. If I was a fan there at Wembley, I'd probably boo." Or at least politely ask the stadium DJ to play some Phil Collins.
Capello hopes to turn things around tonight by fielding 10 of England's disgraced players in his starting 11, allowing them to soak up the abuse until they go a goal or two up and convince their delusional fans that they're world-beaters again. Then he'll throw on some fresh young blood like Jack Wilshere, Kieran Gibbs and … Bobby Zamora. Don Fabio may claim not to know what exactly England's problem is, but things appear to have got so desperate that he thinks Fulham's Mr Em-esque 29-year-old striker is the solution. It's clearly going to get a hell of a lot worse before it gets better.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Before anyone asks a question, I just want to make sure you can see me – you can see me here and I'm not a cardboard cut-out – because somehow or other, I'm not supposed to be here" - Blackpool boss Ian Holloway returns to his comedy roots and tells assembled hacks that reports of his departure are premature.
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AND SO IT BEGINS
"Focus turns to Euro qualifying!" headlined Uefa's guacamole-, chardonnay-, blancmange- beluga roe- and fennel-stained website this afternoon. And how right those well-fed mandarins are! For is it not true that people across Europe will be scurrying home from work/slowly adjusting the position of their ample posteriors on their overburdened sofas in order to gawp rapt at their TVs tonight as the inaugural qualifier for Euro 2012 gets under way, pitting Estonia against a Fishermen's XI from the Faroe Islands? Yes, of course it's true. And, by the way, did you know that Uefa is now stocking the latest in snake oil and magic bean accessories?
Of course, Uefa also has a generous selection of seafood available to gorge on 365 days a year, including their 17 working days. And the good news is that genial Republic O'Ireland manager Giovanni O'Trapattoni should be fit enough to feast on that whenever he next happens to be in Nyon, since it turns out that the ailment that has laid him low ahead of his adopted country's friendly against Argentina tonight is not food poisoning after all. "Following the results of further investigation, and consultation with his surgeon, it has been decided that the abdominal pain is as a result of minor scar tissue from previous surgery," declared the FAI in a statement this morning. "To relieve the pain, he will undergo minor surgery at 3pm today." So there you go, Trap should be back to his sprightly best soon, but as a precaution it might be wise to keep him sedated until after Leo Messi has been let loose on Paul McShane tonight.
Elsewhere, Guus Hiddink will begin his new job as Turkey manager in a friendly against Romania, Spain will show off the World Cup in Mexico, and Germany travel to Denmark for a friendly against, coincidentally, Denmark. Other highlights include Greece taking on Serbia in their first match since the departure of Otto Rehhagel, Holland kicking seven shades of orange out of Ukraine and a new-look France team emerging from the Raymond Domenech-shaped hole that they had dug themselves into and taking on Norway. "My plan is to play good football," revealed le nouveau gaffer Laurent Blanc, showcasing a degree of tactical cunning that always eluded Domenech.
FIVER LETTERS
"It's a funny old world where Frank Lampard can't sell a gold-plated iPod for £500, yet England's Loyal John Terry can flog his athletic support to Real Madrid for €8m" - Paul McElroy.
"I would like to point out your incorrect reference in yesterday's Fiver regarding the American contenders for the Aston Villa managerial vacancy. Why would William Shatner be interested in this role. He's 100% Canadian" - Paul Matthews (and no others that bit).
"As a Canadian I am shocked that you would suggest that William Shatner, once considered for Canada's highest office, would want to manage Villa. If anyone is suited to run Villa it is the former Toronto Maple Leafs coaches Pat Quinn, John Ferguson Jr or Ron Wilson. All have experience coaching teams with bloated wage bills, wantaway stars and have never seemed to win anything despite being quite popular. Of course being Canadian I am too polite to actually say that so I will go back to my canoe and ice hockey" - Bruce Cooper (and other Canadians, of which it transpires, read the Fiver).
"On reading that charisma vacuum Tim Lovejoy was to appear on the programme Shooting Stars last night, I dutifully tuned in. Did I miss the part where someone shot him?" - Dan Cornish.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver now.
BITS AND BOBS
West Brom boss Roberto Di Matteo says the club's attempts to sign Liverpool striker David Ngog are ngoing.
As refered to in today's Fiver letters, Junior Lewis wannabe Ricardo Carvalho has teamed up with the Special One for a third time, after leaving Chelsea for Real Madrid in a €8m move.
Aston Villa chairman Randy Lerner admits that he and Martin O'Neill "no longer shared a common view as to how to move forward".
Stoke are holding talks with Sunderland striker Kenwyne Jones with a view to making him the club's record signing.
Diego Maradona's assistant claims the former Argentina coach has job offers from two clubs in Brazil and a national team in Europe.
Sepp Blatter has confirmed that Fifa will investigate reports of the post-World Cup public mauling of North Korea's players and coach.
And new Steaua Bucharest boss Ilie Dumitrescu will work without pay for the forthcoming season. "He told me 'I'll take it, but the money doesn't interest me. I just want the respect'," cheered owner Gigi Becali.
WIN! WIN! WIN!
We've got a copy of Daniel Harris's rather good new book, On The Road, a journey through a season of Man Utd's away games, which is available in all top bookshops and plenty of less-decent ones too, to give away every day this week. All you've got to do is email the.boss@guardian.co.uk under the subject-header 'My Football Away Trip To Remember' and tell us your favourite tales in 200 words or less. We'll print the best each day and send the winner a copy.
Today's winner:
"My brother and I went to the Paris to watch United's ill-fated away trip to face Claude Puel's limited but spirited Lille side. It was around the time that Alan Smith was being 'redefined' by Lord Ferg as a dynamic central midfielder to replace Roy Keane ... ahem. Anyway y'all know the rest, the game was rubbish, utter rubbish, among the worst I've seen from United and we lost 1-0. After the game we hit the sauce to console ourselves. After downing a couple of beers and having some food we decided to liven things up a bit.
"Upon request for an after-dinner aperitif, our waiter returned with a bottle of something, the name of which thankfully now completely escapes me. It was hardcore and after we had drunk the bottle we left, falling all over the place. Winding our way about the streets of Paris we began to debate the way to our hotel. Within minutes this had turned into a full scale psychotic alcohol-fuelled sibling row. Before long we were fighting each other and dragging out every percieved slight from our entire time on earth. From incidents at childhood birthday parties to accusations of parental favouritism. At one point I hurled my own mobile phone to the floor and stamped on it.
"We rowed and fought our way around Paris, my brother showing, as usual, a complete lack of hesitation to punch me in the face. After a further hour of fighting and shouting (both at each other and the host of unfortunate Parisiens telling us to shut up) I came upon my phone again: we had walked in circles. Finally I acceded to my brother (well, he is older than me) and he directed us to our hotel in about five minutes. Shamed, humbled and well beaten I crashed into bed. We woke in the morning and never spoke of it again. It's all Smudger's fault. Still love him though" - Chris Bowes.
STILL WANT MORE?
Want to win tickets to Chelsea v West Brom this coming Saturday? Then answer a simple question in our competition.
Proper Journalist David Conn explains that, despite all the speculation, the Liverpool board still haven't received a formal proposal from any bidder.
Have any players been transfer-listed or sacked for being overweight? The Knowledge has the answer.
Barry Glendenning gives Sunderland the once-over in his season preview, while Jamie Jackson does the same to Tottenham's chances.
Who will make the grade in Laurent Blanc's new-look France side? Paul Doyle checks out the runners and riders.
And Steve Busfield asks: do you care about the Carling Cup?
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