Morning everyone. England are seven wickets away. Over in the far corner of the office Barry Glendenning is doing a desperate rain-dance, trying to provoke a two-day monsoon, which is pretty much the only thing that is going to redeem the £20 bet he made two days ago that England wouldn't win this match. Good luck with that Baz.
Interesting article by Mike Brearley in today's Observer, on the intricacies of Kevin Pietersen's ego. There's a far tougher topic I'd like to have seen him sink his teeth into though - how can Pakistan get better in time for the next Test. You'd suspect that they would only better for having Younis Khan in at no3 - not to mention Mohammad Yousuf at no4 - but the truth is that on that dismal tour to Australia last winter the presence of those two titans in the middle order only made the team worse. There was something in the make-up of the team that made their inclusion too dispiriting and disruptive for the rest of the players. Younis in particular is supposedly reviled by some of his former teammates. So how can you fix that? Pakistan have sacrificed their two best batsmen in an attempt to improve team morale. Is there not some other way around that problem? A compromise solution?
Otherwise there's not much Pakistan can do at this point, other than move Shoaib Malik up the order (something The Spin suggested they should do at the start of the week) so that he has more time to bat in and swap Danish Kaneria for Saeed Ajmal, so that they at least have a spinner who can land the ball on the cut strip.
Broad is marking out his run, he'll have the first over of the day. Strauss sets a field with three slips, a gully, and a man close in on the leg side.
8th over: Pakistan 19-3 (Farhat 10 Aamer 0) need 435 to win Well. That's a good start for Farhat. The first ball is a little too wide, and he confidently cuts it past point for four. Rameez Raja reckons it is "imperative that Pakistan recall Younis Khan at least".
9th over: Pakistan 19-3 (Farhat 10 Aamer 0) need 435 to win And at the other end James Anderson will start from around the wicket to the nightwatchman Aamer. Strauss sticks in a fourth slip just to make him feel welcome at the wicket. Pakistan only have one reserve batsman in their squad, Yasir Hameed. He's played 23 Tests and has an average of 34. Until, that is, you take out his first Test, which was against Bangladesh against Karachi. He scored a century in both innings on his debut, and hasn't managed another since, so after that his average drops to 29.
10th over: Pakistan 25-3 (Farhat 11 Aamer 1) need 435 to win Sky show some footage of Pakistan's warm-up from earlier this morning. Kaneria is deep is conversation with Warne, two master-craftsmen discussing their work. Aamer has a huge yahoo at a length ball from Broad and misses it altogether. As does Prior. So that's four byes.
11th over: Pakistan 25-3 (Farhat 11 Aamer 1) need 435 to win Anderson persists with this around-the-wicket line of attack, though in truth most of his deliveries are passing by too wide of off to trouble Aamer. When the line is a straighter, Aamer is able to drop his bat on it. Another maiden. Anderson now has the absurd figures of 6-5-1-1.
12th over: Pakistan 25-3 (Farhat 11 Aamer 1) need 435 to win It's a litle odd this, as though England have decided to use this morning as an opportunity to practice their bowling from around the wicket. Broad is also stuck in this groove, and neither batsman is being made to play the ball all that much. That said, Broad finally decides to switch over to the other side of the stumps. His line is not quite right though, and one delivery disappaears down leg and the next two fade well over across the off. Farhat leaves them all well alone, and that's another maiden.
13th over: Pakistan 27-3 (Farhat 11 Aamer 2) need 435 to win A no ball from Anderson. That's about the most dramtic thing to have happened in the opening twenty minutes of this match. Aamer told Bumble last night that he "going to get a hundred". He needs another 99. No, make that 98, as he's just nudged a run out to leg.
14th over: Pakistan 27-3 (Farhat 11 Aamer 2) need 435 to win Now Broad is going through his short-ball routine, putting in a short leg and peppering Aamer with bouncers. He survives two of them in succession, and then swings wildly when Broad offers him a fuller, wider delivery. He doesn't connect though, and Broad is left biting his knuckle.
WICKET! Farhat 15 c Strauss b Anderson (15th over: Pakistan 31-4) need 435 to win Anderson persists with this wide line from around the wicket. Farhat has had enough of watching it go by, and leans out to steer the ball through the slips for four. Two deliveries later though, he's gone. England have their breakthrough, and it's a rather sorry indictment of Pakistan's batting that the eight overs these two had survived so far this morning felt like a genuinely committed contribution. This one was angled in towards off-stump, and Farhat, his concentration cracking, tries to play a cover drive off the back foot. The ball took the edge and flew behind for a simple catch at first slip.
16th over: England 34-4 (Aamer 3 Umar Akmal 2) need 435 to win That's a jaffa from Broad, the ball jagging back towards the slips, almost shaving splinters from Akmal's bat as it passed. Akmal clips the next delivery away for two to deep square.
WICKET! Umar Akmal 4 lbw Anderson (17th over: Pakistan 37-5) need 435 to win Anderson is over the wicket to the right-handed Akmal, swinging the ball away from the bat off a length. He's hanging the ball out wide though, so Akmal is just watching it go by and playing inside the line. When Anderson does tighten up his line Akmal edges the ball down towards slip and steals two runs, and then... REFERRAL! Akmal 4 lbw Anderson That's plumb. As disgusted as Akmal may be at the decision, he's just wasted Pakistan's second referral. He played outside the line of a boomerang inswinger from Anderson, which curved back in and clumped into his pads in front of middle stump.Decision upheld.
WICKET! Aamer 4 c Pietersen b Finn (18th over: Pakistan 41-6) need 435 to win What a rabble. Steve Finn is into the attack now. Aamer is holding his end up, it's the specialist batsmen who are letting the side down. No. Scratch that. Aamer is out. Finn tempted him into a drive with a slightly fuller delivery, and Aamer sliced it straight to Pietersen at gully. This is too depressing to be entertaining.
19th over: Pakistan 41-6 (Malik 0 K Akmal 0) need 435 to win So, this should really be the time for as stand. These two are the most senior players in the team, with 82 caps between them. Both have toured England before, so inexperience is not an excuse. They really have to grit their way through the rest of this session and on long into the afternoon, just to show the rest of this team that a) England's attack is not unplayable and b) this Pakistan team is not entirely devoid of guts and heart. "Is your in-box malfunctioning, or do you perhaps have a hangover?" asks John Starbuck, "OBO writers have usually published a few readers' comments by now." Nope. There's just not been anything worth publishing. Standout contributions so far include "The Beard takes another wicket" from Keith Flett and this, from Gary Naylor: "Football stadium design has become monotonously uniform ((big bowl with arch or big bowl without arch). If Trent Bridge were the template for cricket grounds, Jimmy Anderson would overhaul Murali in a couple of years." That's the pick of this morning's inbox action.
WICKET! Kamran Akmal 0 (20th over: Pakistan 50-7) need 435 to win That's a joke. The reason I said all that in the last over about Kamran Akmal needing to knuckle down was exactly because I knew, just knew, he wouldn't have a bloody chance of doing that, or anything even approaching that. This man has 51 Tests caps, he's the most experienced player in the team, and his sum contribution to this match has been a pair. He has faced all of five balls and scored no runs in two innings. This was a truly crap shot, a lazy cross-batted swing across the line to a ball that kept a little low and hit him in front of leg stump. Kamran would have referred it if he could have, and would have been right to do so because it was missing leg stump, but his brother had already wasted the last remaining referral. To be honest though he didn't deserve to be spared, his shot-selection was that poor in the circumstance.
WICKET! Gul 9 c Collingwood b Anderson (21st over: Pakistan 50-8) need 435 Gul has picked up where he left off by the way, and whacked nine runs from his first four balls in that last over. I couldn't describe them though because I was too busy fuming about Akmal's dismissal, which was really one of the most feckless pieces of cricket you could ever have the sorry pleasure of seeing. Ah, his luck has run out. He swings another optimistic drive at Anderon's fourth ball, and slices it off the edge to slip where Collingwood takes a brilliant catch, leaping up and clutching the ball as it whizzed overhead. "Maybe Akmal got confused when someone told him to grow a pair..." suggests Paul Channell, proving that wit is not entirely dead this Sunday morning on the OBO.
22nd over: Pakistan 50-8 (Malik 0 Kaneria 0) need 435 to win and 4 to pass their lowest-ever total in Test cricket "To be fair, it was a very poor decision," says Andy Bradshaw of Akmal's dismissal, "And has his brother to blame for wasting the last referral." Not nearly such a poor decision as it was a shot, Andy. It was his third delivery, his team were 41-6, and he decides to try and to try and slap a lazy pull shot through mid-wicket for four even though he knows that the bounce has been up-and-down all through the match. As a cricketer the man combines the worst qualities of all three of Dorothy's stooges. Anderson, by the way, now has the exceptional figures of 11-7-10-4.
23rd over: Pakistan 54-8 (Malik 0 Kaneria 4) need 435 to win "Continuing the theme of bad emails," is a promising beginning to this missive from Richard Caulfield, "I'm putting together a cheeseboard for a friend of mine's wedding. I've got five cheeses to play with and want to avoid the predictable cheddar/brie options. Anyone got any suggestions for something a little bit surprising and different?" Yarg, Richard. Take all the money and invest it in Yarg. Anderson tries that inswinging yorker again, but Kaneria picks it and clips four runs away through square leg, which at least means that Pakistan have avoided the ignominy of recording their lowest-ever total. Both their lowest totals came in one terrible match back in 2002 against Australia, played in furnace-like conditions in Sharjah. The temperatures were touching 43 degrees.
24th over: Pakistan 54-8 (Malik 0 Kaneria 4) need 435 to win "I just wanted to give credit where to Blowers off TMS," says my old mucker Tom Boylston as Malik plays out a maiden over, "dropping the best line I've heard in ages, by comparing Kamran Akmal to the Ancient Mariner, 'Who stoppeth one in three'."
25th over: Pakistan 56-8 (Malik 0 Kaneria 5) need 435 to win "I'm not sure that Younis is the answer for Pakistan," points out Matt Healey, "In 10 innings for Surrey in the T20 earlier this year, he scored just one 50 and averaged 15.4. I saw about half those innings, and he looked horribly out of touch."
26th over: Pakistan 64-8 (Malik 9 Kaneria 5) need 435 to win A sweet shot from Malik. Having taken just a single from his first 19 deliveries, he finally feels comfortable enough at the crease to cut a fierce four when Finn offers him a little width. And later in the over Malik creams another four through the off-side. Take note Kamran Akmal, there are ways and means of doing these things. The hot topic of the day though, is clearly Rich Caulfield's cheese board. "You can't beat a bit of Dovedale Blue, assuming you can find a supplier," John Starbuck tells us, "I'd add a good crumbly Lancashire, a mild ewe's milk cheese, a proper smoked Bavarian (not the plastic-like supermarket variants) and maybe a Petit Reblochon. And plenty of wine, plus some fresh figs and apricots." Nix the Lancashire, Rich, replace it with sage Derby.
WICKET! Malik 9 c Collingwood b Anderson (27th over: Pakistan 64-9) need 435 to win "I'm not intimately familiar with Yarg," says Thomas Hopkins. Good thing too. They cut your hands off in some counties for doing things like that. "But might I suggest that Richard Caulfield adds a bit of Cancoillotte for variety? Best with plenty of butter and a hint of garlic if you're feeling frisky." Oh yes, in other news, another wicket has fallen. And it is Anderson that has got it. That's ten wickets in the match for him. Surprisingly enough it's his first ten-wicket match haul in Test cricket. Malik was attempting an on drive but the ball was an absolute beauty, one of the best Anderson has delivered yet. It snicked off the edge and flew low to Collingwood, who took another good catch, this one low down on the ground between his legs.
28th over: Pakistan 80-9 (Kaneria 16 Asif 0) need 435 Hehehe. Danish hooks a six away over square leg and then adds a four to the same place, toppling over as he swings his bat. Finn shrugs and Strauss grins. "Richard should look no further than GamleOst," Eirik Hooper says, "This Norwegian delicacy, literally translated as "Old Cheese" is quite possibly the reason why the Vikings decided to invade other countries with better cheeses like England and France. Its unmistakably pungent aroma is a gift that keeps giving. No one will ever again ask you to help them out."
WICKET! Asif 0 c Swann b Anderson (29th over: Pakistan 80 (Kaneria 16) That's it, it's all over. Anderson finishes with 11 wickets, and tugs a stump from the ground as a keepsake. Predictably enough Asif was caught at slip, like so many of his teammates. England have won by 354 runs, and that total of 80 is the lowest Pakistan have ever made against England. Anderson finishes with the extraordinary figures of 15-8-17-6 in this innings, and 37-15-71-11 in the match.
Well, I'll stick around just a little longer before wrapping this up, just to tell you who has won the end-of-match gongs.
"Sticking around?" says Tom Hopkins, "Surely not only for the gongs, but also to make sure we've properly explored the cheese issue?". And on that note, here's James Kettle: Dig out the cazu marzu. 'When disturbed, the larvae can launch themselves for distances up to 15 centimetres (6 in). Some people clear the larvae from the cheese before consuming; others do not.'" Perfect. Maggot cheese. I think that settles it. "Casu marzu is considered toxic when the maggots in the cheese have died. Because of this, only cheese in which the maggots are still alive is eaten."
Wow, never mind Salman Butt's wafflings ("I think we need to regroup and come back at Edgbaston") that wikipedia page on Casu marzu just keeps on giving: "the larvae are very resistant to human stomach acid and can pass through the stomach alive, taking up residency for some period of time in the intestines and causing stomach lesions and other gastrointestinal problems. The larvae have powerful mouthhooks which can lacerate stomach linings or intestinal walls as the maggots attempt to bore through internal organs." I definitely think Rich Caulfied has found his ideal wedding cheese. How did you put it Rich? "Anyone got any suggestions for something a little bit surprising and different?"
Strauss reveals that Anderson "was sledging me when I wasn't giving him the right fielding positions so it felt as though I was facing him at times."
Why is it that you lot have saved all your best emails till after the OBO is over? Here's Guy Hornsby: "Like Pakistan, I feel the OBO can do their bit to plumb new depths of mediocrity. I'm sat at home with one eye on the OBO while I transcribe an interview. There's no other way I'd rather be spending my day than play-type-rewind-play-rewind-type-play. 2 hours so far. Later on, I think I'll do the washing up, and maybe, just maybe, hoover the hall. Living the dream. I am the Kamran Akmal of OBO today. To top it off, I live in Walthamstow. Game over."
The man of the match is Jimmy Anderson. His performance here has bumped him up to no5 in the world rankings.
Do you think they sell Casu marzu in Tesco? If not, why not? I'll leave you to muse on that. Time to go our seperate ways and enjoy what remains of Sunday afternoon. I'll be bacj here for the start of the second Test next Friday. See you then. Cheerio.