- The Guardian, Saturday 1 May 2010
If you could bring yourself to drag yourself away from your True Blood box set long enough to notice, you'll have seen that there's an election about to happen, and, typically, all three of the major parties have been doing their damnedest to appear that they are down with the kids, scrabbling around for celebrity votes, desperately trying to maintain the illusion that they know who modern bands are, asserting that even though they may not be cool now, they were cool once upon a time, and pretending to know what Twitter is. It's all very undignified and amusing of course, but have you been paying them even the slightest bit of attention? HAVE YOU? Take our Pop Election Quiz and find out ...
ACCORDING TO TV RICH BLOKE DUNCAN BANNATYNE, SHADOW CHANCELLOR GEORGE OSBORNE IS AS USELESS AS …?
a) A chocolate teapot
b) A handbrake on a canoe
c) An ashtray on a motorbike
d) Jazz flute
WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SLOGANS DOES NOT APPEAR ON THE FEATURED POSTERS IN THE 'VANDALISED CONSERVATIVE BILLBOARDS' FACEBOOK GROUP?
a) "This isn't just any prick. This is an M&S prick."
b) "Some of my best friends are poor. If we get in, your best friends can be poor too."
c) "Conservatives. Talking out of arses since 1678."
d) "I looked into the camera! Did you see that, mummy? It's just a shame everyone still thinks I'm a cunt."
ACCORDING TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UK SYNAESTHESIA ASSOCIATION, WHAT DOES DAVID CAMERON'S SPEECH TASTE LIKE?
a) Pickled egg of the type that you find in traditional chip shops
b) Macaroons with an occasional coating of condensed milk
c) Chocolate fudge brownie ice cream with a bursts of mayonnaise
d) The rectal scrapings of a jugged hare
ACCORDING TO TV MEALS-CRITICISER MICHAEL WINNER, PARLIAMENT WOULD RUN MORE SMOOTHLY IF OUR POLITICIANS WERE REPLACED WITH … WHAT?
a) The animals in a zoo
b) A bunch of common criminals
c) The Queen and her immediate family
d) The cast of Hollyoaks
ACCORDING TO THE RADIO TIMES, WHO IS GORDON BROWN'S FAVOURITE X FACTOR JUDGE?
a) Cheryl
b) Dannii
c) Louis
d) Simon
e) No preference
AND WHAT IS THE MOST MOVING FILM GORDON BROWN HAS EVER SEEN?
a) Schindler's List
b) Hotel Rwanda
c) The Killing Fields
d) It's A Wonderful Life
HOW DID DAVID CAMERON DESCRIBE MILTON KEYNES DURING ONE OF HIS 'CAMERON DIRECT' E-BROADCASTS?
a) "New-town paradise and home to the legendary concrete cows."
b) "The hood where them MK Dons be at."
c) "M to the ilton, K to the izzeynes."
d) "Birthplace of Geri Halliwell."
ACCORDING TO HIS TWITTER, NICK CLEGG OF THE LIB DEMS WAS ASKED THE HARDEST QUESTION OF HIS CAMPAIGN IN CARDIFF. WHAT WAS IT?
a) Who he would do out of Paxman, Dimbleby or Sir Trev
b) What his favourite grime anthem of the last year is
c) What flavour of crisps the Liberal Democrat Party would be
d) Who he thinks should replace Adrian Chiles on The One Show
WHEN GORDON BROWN RAN FOR THE POSITION OF RECTOR AT EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY, HIS SUPPORTERS HAD A NICKNAME WHICH IS (TO BE TECHNICAL THE PLURAL OF) THE TITLE OF A CLASSIC 1970S ROCK SONG. BY WHICH BAND …?
a) T-Rex b) Uriah Heep c) Sex Pistols d) Rolling Stones
ACCORDING TO THE WEBSITE BORISWATCH.COM, WHICH ACCOLADE HAS BORIS JOHNSON EARNED IN THE RUN-UP TO THE ELECTION?
a) Harper's Bazaar's Top Male Totty of 2010
b) Second-most kissable wax figure at Madame Tussaud's (behind Zac Efron)
c) Number one hairstyle request among UK's male wig wearers (based on 2009 sales)
d) MP with most followers on Twitter
ACCORDING TO TWITTER WHICH OF THESE IS #NICKCLEGGSFAULT?
a) The volcano
b) Jennifer Aniston films
c) Sunshine? Moonlight?
d) Goose dying in Topgun
IN A SET OF INTERVIEWS IN GUARDIAN WEEKEND MAG WHO DID THE THREE LEADERS SAY WOULD PLAY THEM IN THE FILM OF THEIR LIVES? MATCH THE THREE NAMES BELOW TO A LEADER. (ONE POINT FOR EACH).
1. "Rodney, Only Fools & Horses"
2. David Tennant
3. Timothy Spall
RIGHT, THIS IS WHERE THE QUIZ IS WON AND LOST. MATCH THE CELEBRITIES TO THE PARTY FOR WHICH THEY WILL BE VOTING. (ONE POINT FOR EACH).
Daniel Radcliffe, Sir Alex Ferguson, Naomi Campbell, Carol Vorderman, Kirstie Allsopp, Jane Goldman, David Van Day, Kate Winslet, Jeremy Clarkson
ANSWERS
1) c. 2) Trick question: They're all on there (1 point). 3) b. 4) a. 5) a. 6) b. 7) d. 8) c. 9) d – they were called "Brown Sugars". 10) b. 11) All of them (1 point). 12) Rodney (Nick Clegg), Tennant (Gordon Brown), Spall (Cameron) 13. Radcliffe and Goldman are Lib Dem; Sir Alex, Naomi and Kate Winslet are Labour; Carol, Kirstie, DVD and Clarkson are all Tories.
0 – 6 POINTS = DERMOT O'LEARY
You clearly haven't been paying attention, and since you are therefore somewhat dumbed down, we feel it only appropriate to give you the title of a grade-A Dermot, who was host of BBC3's First Time Voters' Question Time.
7 – 13 POINTS = PAXMAN
You've not done too badly, but there's nothing in your score to suggest that you'd progress beyond the level of, say, a slightly sneery BBC interviewer with silly hair, whose light grillings MPs are too keen to readily accept.
14 – 18 POINTS = PETER SNOW
Yes! You're the daddy of TV election coverage. You know exactly what's happening seconds before it has actually happened and, lest we forget, your son's a bloody hero who tries to rescue people stranded by volcanic ash clouds.
19+ POINTS = LANDSLIDE VICTOR
Crumbs! The only way you could know this much is by being the prime minister himself! So, congratulations Mr Brown/Cameron/Clegg, and don't forget us when it comes around to dishing out life peerages.