Michelle Pfeiffer is a wonderful witch in the best
of the half-term family releases, writes Tim Robey
Stardust
PG cert, 128 min
Watch the trailer for Stardust
Ah, half-term. A riot for children, a blessed breather for
teachers. Parents may have a tough time laying on the fun without
going mad, but for film critics it can be a period of distress and
suffering - a time for being force-fed inept fantasies, films with
sub-plots about flatulence, and "heartwarming" comedies
starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. | |  | | Spellbinding: Michelle Pfeiffer in Stardust |
Luckily, panto season has arrived early with Stardust, easily the
best of this week's many, many school-holiday releases, and the
only one, I'm fairly sure, which features Robert De Niro as a
cross-dressing pirate captain. De Niro is essentially Widow Twanky in this cheesy but spirited
bit of nonsense, adapted from one of Neil Gaiman's books and
given a vulgar bounce by British director Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake). It's a game sort of movie that brings on Rupert Everett as a
smug prince and sends him plummeting to his death within seconds, to
general relief. Michelle Pfeiffer is a cadaverous witch trying to reverse the
ageing process, and Claire Danes is a star. Literally, a star. Crashing to Earth and found splayed in what
looks like a giant galactic cow-pat, she shines when she's
happy, which isn't often, given that her diced heart is
Pfeiffer's answer to wrinkle cream. Bumpkin hero Tristan (Charlie Cox, winning and scruffily handsome)
wants to use her to impress his spoiled sweetheart (a disposable
Sienna Miller), but the path to true love, as usual, appears to have
been paved by a drunken ogre. Speaking of which, Vaughn's movie takes a leaf or 10 out of
Shrek's book, handling its fairytale conceits with a boisterous
irreverence verging on the rude. But there's a shameless romantic streak here, too, quite
welcome in a boy-targeted genre that usually insists battles are
cool and love is for wimps. I for one am fed up of battles. All hail
the return of the smooch.
The Last Legion
12A cert, 112 min
Watch the trailer for The Last Legion
Colin Firth is not an actor who projects sparkling joie de vivre
at the best of times, and The Last Legion, a cod-Roman reimagining
of Arthurian myth, is very much not the best of times. Playing the leader of an imperial rescue squad who must whisk
young Romulus Augustus (Thomas Sangster) away from barbarians, Firth
looks more miserable than ever, and his Henry V-style pep talk would
tempt most impressionable listeners to fall on their swords and get
it over with. Played dead straight, the movie is all stolid combat and shouty
intrigue. Ben Kingsley, it transpires, is Merlin. Magic is at a premium.
The Dark is Rising
12A cert, 99 min |